The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Learning to receive

About 6 years ago I met my girlfriend Julie Coombs, the Internet savvy net-worker also known as DiamondJul, at which around the time I was also introduced to The Secret.  She is one of the many behind the scenes founders of The Secret and I became quite fond of her.

Inquisitively I pursued the video of The Secret that is presented quite beautifully and powerfully, it left me feeling so wonderful & in a state of awe.  Little did I know I was living the secret my whole life, there were just few specifics that needed to be polished to run more rewarding.  Julie's powerful words to me once expressed how important it is to receive, whatever it may be, never left me.  Those words changed me.  It made me a better person in terms of being able to complete fully the circle in understand the life I've been seeking, yearning, wanting so much.  Giving wasn't enough.  Since then, I've learned a lot from this extraordinary woman.  A lot of which alter my journey in bettering myself & my life so I can feel the abundance from all faucets of life.

In order for us to feel the full impact of the complete circle of the exchange, weather it be monetary component, friendship based, love, gifts, trust, loyalty, compliments.... it is all equally important to know how to receive.  The completeness of receiving as much as giving, just like in the basic concept of electricity & circuits connecting.  Giving is receiving and receiving is giving.  We're taught our whole lives to give & to give generously.  After all, Jesus gave his life for mankind, the ultimate gift was his life.  Albert Einstein stated that “The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.  That is true, but receiving is equally important in terms of being able to understand the impact of giving & feel the satisfaction of that giving concept.

My life hasn't been peaches.  Many years of hardships, an abusive father, a sister I don't quite get along with and coming to a foreign country at the birth of my teens where it all seemed to have began fresh for me.  Finally a break & light peeked in.  Moving away from my father was the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Not experiencing the anger his weak human dark heart departed on everyone he associated with, was such a blessing.  I was no longer afraid to feel free, to love, to share, to open up and be myself.  It was the first time I was not afraid to love openly & the possibility of feeling was there.  New.  Fresh.  Revived.

I've undergone many changes, learned many languages along my journey only to have retain my native tongue and English.  My body has undergone changes of becoming a mother over 8 years ago and it's a given that will never be the same.  Sag, sag, sag.....  and that darn gravity! 

Bottom line is we constantly change.  We go through 4 year cycles but that's another story entirely.  We change as we see fit, as we learn whatever life unfolds.  I find myself questioning so many things yet at the end of the day it doesn't matter.  I count my blessings & talk to God, kiss my babies goodnight & rest.  What matters is that when I open up my eyes, I am given each day to experience life, nature with all the beauty in it.   I'm so thankful.  I hope I haven't lost you, there is a point here.

I've always had a giving heart.  I'm modest by all means, I do my best to remain humble & quiet and satisfied with the simplest pleasures.  I don't brag & I respect people.  I don't gossip & stay away from those who do.  I break many rules, most of which are mine set so many ages ago.  I don't need much, never have so it seemed ok if I didn't get as much as I gave.

Over the years as I've aged, I began feeling worn out.  Tired, misunderstood a lot by folks as I couldn't understand why they continue doing the things they do, to themselves & to others, to me.  Why people make the choices they do, why they hate rather then love, why they stab rather then hug, steal rather earn and so on....

Just as the world is marvelous in it's beauty & simplicity, it's also filled with so much sadness, hate, competition, blame & bitterness..... it's so unappealing.  But I know the negativity has to exist to balance out the greatness.  I focus on the opposite, knowing the darkness exists, I choose to look up rather then down. 

Some people will continue to lie, steal & take so much they begin to believe their own little worlds that are so full of the material living.  Some people just don't know how to give and this is why they cannot or are unable to receive which reflects back to being unable to give.  They think they are living it up, but sadly it is all just so superficial.  They will end up empty looking for answers.

For some it feels safer to enclose themselves into a bubble of shielded protection from the rest of the world, especially since they've had their hearts broken.  They stop giving & they don't even realize that they also stop receiving, that which replenishes ultimately their entire giving.  It's a movement of a constant electrical discharge, our human nature, our synapses misfire when we shut one aspect of ourselves off.  Human body works in mysterious ways.  We work best when we practice a healthy balance where all is concerned.

At the same time it can be a person who continuously gives & gives all the time lovingly and unconditionally.  The world is filled with amazing humanitarians, generous selfless folks, helping, aiding, always extending themselves above & beyond.  Do these people ever feel the rewards of their constant giving?  I sure hope so because one of the greatest pleasures is the satisfaction received knowing you've helped someone in need, saved a life, helped a homeless to have a meal, gave a gift for a less fortunate to open at Christmas time, whatever it may be. 

Receiving doesn't have to have a means of materialism.  It is often the things that are unseen by the eye that mean the most in life.

For me, I really like helping people.  I've never got into the profession to be in the public aid, I don't know why.  When I see someone in need though, even if they don't know it, I always want to lend a hand.  Sometimes, they are not ready or willing to receive the help, or just don't need it and I am forced to just back away.  It goes the same for the way I fall in love with humans.  I find an attribute, something about them in common or simply sense through their gateway (their eyes) a piece of their soul and immediately feel a connection.  Sometimes however, they are not ready to feel mutually back whatever you feel.  Love is intimidating.  People will find you creepy & desperate.  I'm none of those things or perhaps I'm both.  Depends on the perspective of the individual.  Perhaps I'm drawn to people who are in need of love more then they even know it, and on the most part those who deflect it won't receive it.  Just like help, there is only so much you can do to offer whatever it is you see fit.

I strive so hard daily to find a piece of that great abundance I work my but off for.  For me, learning to receive runs deep. I need to learn how to receive the rewards of my hard work, to reap what I sew, whatever it may be at the time.  I need to shift my focus.  I still have much to learn in the aspect of receiving. So much, however I'm so glad that the concept was learned when it was because I've had years to practice receiving and it feels amazing when the fulfillment happens.

I too have had my faults of entirely shutting down my share of times where, love, trust, absolute despair & where all negativity is concerned spirals down & I found myself in the pits of doom.  I stopped giving, receiving & ultimately living.  It's human nature to experience both spectrum of existing.  Then we reach up.  We see the light and grasp it & pull ourselves up.  I don't believe it is ever too late for anyone to alter their life for the way they choose to live it, let it be for better lack of words, better.  Death, is our only end.  In flesh that is.  It's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks.  Never. 

One thing I had to learn & do my best to grasp is to in fact receive.  I've never been very good at it. Ever.  My whole life, I thought I did receive but not fully.  Weather it was compliments, extravagant or smallest gifts, help from people, the impact of hugs and most of all love.  I've always been cautious about love because once a person such as a father figure attempts to breaks your soul, it's so hard to receive love & trust it's real.  All I could do was give love - because I thought it was enough. 

In my past relationships, I thought if I love hard enough I could love for two.  I soon discovered with few broken hearts it doesn't work well like that.  Something had to give to fulfill the gap, the hole left after all was said and done.  It was the hole something other then me had to fill.  I felt like I was running out of love, running on empty & yet I loved a little more when I could each time.   It was pathetic but real.

Until I met my now husband.  His love & his heart, loyalty and trust in me opened up a piece of me that allowed a stream of light directly into my soul.  His father, who was absolutely amazing & filled with huge power hugs nearly squished the life out of me once.  It is the first time I truly felt an impact of a hug.  An old Slovak man in his seventies, who had the most amazing lung crushing hugs a human could experience.  They were real, they contained love, care, light, genuine impact.  I miss him, but his hugs remain in my husband & I often ask him to squeeze a little tighter & then we goof off.  It's fun.

In the course of my life, many times I've felt so used.  So taken advantage of from so many angles, by people or by actions or lack there of.  Now that I am older, sometimes the feeling of being used surfaces, however it's just perceived & received with the knowledge that perhaps I haven't given enough.  That somehow, just when it was about to happen, I quit.  I gave up.  It's all my fault.  That is why I feel used at that moment, I should have done more.  I shouldn't have given up.  It's true.  It's that spark, that initially ignited us, lead us down a path of the knowledge we seek we were almost there, we could taste it and then bam!  It was done.  Somehow, someway it failed.  It didn't happen.  We didn't give or receive or it wasn't given or wasn't received.  The full circle didn't complete.  In that circle, all involved feel used, disappointed, etc.   All did what they could, however didn't succeed and the feeling is the same for all involved.  That's how I see it anyways.

However, over the years and it is perhaps due to my most amazing little beings "my kids" and their enormous unconditional little hearts that are filled and overspilling with so much love, that I can appreciate and receive them just as I give my love to them each day.  Those two opened up a portal inside of me, that is higher then me, a gateway of immense love that out pours from each of them every day, every touch, kiss and a hug. They are beautiful & brilliant and filled with absolute love.  Of course they are, they are my creation.  A creation made with my amazing husband, and they were conceived out of love.  My only hopes are that I can guide them through life for as long as I am able to. 

Now, there is a point here too I am trying to make in comparison to the feeling of being used, it's diminished.  There is no such thing as being used, only how one perceives it.  Am I just a concubine for these two beings walking, living, breathing & talking.  No, I gave my body no matter how destroyed it is now, to give them life.  How could I possibly feel used.  It isn't any different in any other situation.  The feeling of being used is self reflective in all aspect.  For me, it is such a relief not to feel the heaviness of that "useless" word used. 

I've learned that I too am able to receive and receiving is just as important as giving.  The secret of giving is that if a person can and is able to give so much that just when they feel that there isn't another ounce of drop of blood, love, faith, trust, whatever it is to give and then just out of nowhere give a little more.  That is the point that something magical always happens.  It is that final penetration point of giving that final ounce, that final drop, where receiving opens up and pours in overflowing.  It can be money, happiness, power, satisfaction, anything at its highest.  You have to allow it to happen though, you have to believe it is yours, deserving as you are of it as you gave all you could to receive it's rewards, you have to own it and that is when it happens.  I trust that.  I always trust that. 

It isn't easy to do.  The pollution is so hard to cut through.  It's not as easy as it sounds.  Yet, it is very possible.  It is how millionaires are born.  It is how successful people all around the world thrive.  They work hard to get where they are.  They believe it, they own it before they have it.  It is how abundance is felt.  It is when you can count all your blessings as you reached above & beyond for what you believed in.

You have to be open to receive while giving.  Period!  It is then and only then you will feel fulfilled & filled to give again.

My grandmother, my angel who has been my inspiration for all my writing filled with light & love has taught me the unconditional love & gift of giving your heart entirely.  It is all we can ever do.  She taught me that there is a good person inside every single one of us, it is what we choose to do with it that matters.

We cannot be responsible for the people who are unable to receive love, who shut down, neglect understanding, patience and can only reflect anger and bitterness.  Love is universal and I may be the most pathetically mushy, lovie dovie & sappy human out there, but at least I am filled with love inside and most importantly - I know that I am fully capable of giving it.  It is up to the rest to learn to receive and to complete the circle.  However, I know the truth and the reality is that people are afraid of the word LOVE.  It's easier to run then to face love and laugh with it.  Whoever is in my life is there because they feel my love, appreciate it, receive it and give a little back.  I'm so not afraid to love & because I'm constantly replenished it over pours out of me.  

Learning to receive patience, appreciation, compliments, gratitude, loyalty, trust, money, health, happiness, love..... it's all the same. 

Next time you think you are feeling empty, sad, lonely, used, poor, sick, whatever it may be - ask yourself if you've allowed yourself to fully receive the abundance from the universe of what ever it is you seek.

Learning to receive is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.


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