The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Friday, December 30, 2011

Farewell 2011

Thank you to all my clients, friends and family for an amazing year.  The friendships & relationships I've built are very precious to me.  I appreciate everyone for allowing me the opportunity to capture your beautiful memories into priceless keepsakes.   May your new year 2012 be a fabulous one with your beautiful families and friends.  All the very best. 


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Simple Enchantments - mini edit

There is something so soothing about colour.  The simplicity in the reflection of coloured fish tank with a few koi fish...  Many times I wish that I had a better lens and then I think, ahhh, there I always have Photoshop.  There is so much work a person can do in terms of enhancing colour, layering, cropping, filtering, to make photo beautiful.  Here is my result in comparison with the above image with Photoshop magic:

Now, I find black & whites equally beautiful in their purest simplicity.  Some may find the image below this particular one equally nice, I was just playing with the simple lighting & keeping an image zen like.

Thank you for stopping by......  I have so many tutorials, look for future mini edits with step by step instructions.  Perhaps, it isn't too late to share my knowledge & secrets with the world.


Life - simple - beautiful

Just like this one special enchanted day, I can still feel in my veins like it was yesterday, I feel the beauty of life all around.  The beauty of the significant people in my life to the wackos who've come & gone, to the mother who gave me life and father who scarred my heart.  I hold a place in my heart for way too many to mention, because they all help in shaping me somehow.

Time flies, we age, and just like the seasons we shed our leaves and await rebirth after the long winter months.  I love fall, well actually I love all seasons as there is something so beautiful and magical in each and every one.  Winter is filled with chill & wonder, crispness of snow when everything is white & pure, underneath resting asleep, dormant waiting to awake. 

Spring, when all new life sprouts...... it's all so beautiful.  For the longest time summer was my favourite. It's hot and I love it.  As I get older, I find something magical in every season.  The memories I think are the ones that I reflect back on.  There are many held precious & few & far in between that I can clearly see in my mind's eye.

Perhaps I feel a shift in me just like the seasons do, I sense a deep connection to the elements just as I do in people.  If mother nature has a clock, to shed leaves to anticipate a long rest only to awake refreshed, rejuvenated, so do people.  Personally, I'm so tired.  Tired of being treated with little respect & tired of always being, carrying, giving, communicating, expressing.... Tired of always have to defend my right to be and feel.  Tired of having to explain to people they are mistaken & tired of trusting that my truth is enough.  It never seems to be, but that is not my problem.  


But, like the winter solstice, perhaps I too am in need of rest.  Knowing me though, it would be hard to rest my busy little fingers as there is much to be said from my heart, there is a life story in each and everyone & me just simply having the need to be able to express my feelings, emotions, joys, sorrows & all that life unfolds. 

When I look back onto my years, I'd like to reflect with the peace of feeling I aged with grace and that I've learned something along this journey.  This life, that is so meant to be lived to the fullest, with amazement, with all the love there is, with all the pain there is, with all the beauty it gives, so simply.

As I meet folks from all over and my life story unfolds with unique individuals entering & departing my life, it allows me to grow.  Grow on all levels possible, to see, experience all there is on this earth.

No regrets.

I hold no ill feelings towards people & cannot & will not be responsible for the choices of others.  We are all equal, we are all children of the Earth, brothers & sisters.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could all learn how to love each other with a little more compassion & respect?  Why are people so malicious with everything?  Nature, animals, humans........... themselves.

Just like I see the world unfold through the eyes of my beautiful kids, I relive a little piece each time I see them smile at something in amazement, a toad in the forest, a funny leaf, the stars and each time they cry and shed tears of sadness, so do I.  On the outside, I'm strong, mature, empathetic, confident, vigorous & vibrant.  Inside, I'm just a child who lives in this body that developed, matured, endured and ages, daily.  

Just as my daughter grows & matures, there are days that she is so emotional... so beside herself with sadness & pain, I cannot explain to her why she feels what she feels, perhaps she too is an empath.

Sometimes, children just cry.... & yet there is something still so beautiful in it.

Life is beautiful, just as it is, simple.


Bleeding LOVE

For most people in my life, it may appear as if I have this amazing perfect little life and most of the time I feel like I do but like anything else it comes at a huge cost.  My sanity & my health.  I’ve had a year of hell (with many priceless & amazing moments if I may add)  Maintaining life is a big job & being a grown up a huge responsibility.  Kids, working, business, stress, bills, house, cars, friends, family, keeping everything ticking in order & keeping everyone happy isn’t always easy. 

I write, because it allows my heart to heal.  It’s just one of my means of expressions.  Just like now, I take few moments and pour my heart into my fingertips and the letters add up to words and the lines form sentences and before I know my tears flow, my heart pours out and blogs and poems are published. 

My writing is never usually about anyone specific.  Sometimes I get emails asking if such & such email was about them.  My answer is always the same.  No.  I’ve been accused of horrible crimes of writing garbage about people on Facebook in the past, well one specific person & perhaps my one article about a “frienemy” explains it the best.  That is the only time where if this one specific person was to read my article, they would know smack in the face that it is about them, only because I don't have a pen name and it is me publishing it.  It was written with a purpose for my heart to heal, my mind & heart to let go of everything and my soul to move on and continue.  That was then, this is now.....

The truth is, I write about feelings.  If I have anything to say to anyone – I respect them to tell them to their face, my true feelings that is.  It is a hell of lot more dignifying & respectable to be honest then publish articles about ill feelings towards anyone.  People can't handle the truth.  You says it, they run no matter how polite you are.  However, we cannot change people & their insecurities.  Perhaps they have been tarnished by others & judge humans solely based on unresolved issues within themselves.  Not everyone is the same, just sayin'.......

Please stop being paranoid and please continue your beautiful journey with peace knowing I don’t gossip nor write about you specifically.  Whoever you are.  Most people who take the time to get to know me – know me & trust that.  They know the true me, with no camouflaged dirty cover image that needs to be dusted off.  I am who I am & am what you see & underneath my clothes lies still me, only naked!!  I hide no scales, horns or fur, I have no claws, no tail, nor a slithery tongue. 

All of this - it all stems into trust.  Do people really trust you or trust themselves that they are in fact conducting themselves in the highest standards in reflections to the individual who they are trying to have a relationship with?  You.  Or, does it just feels comfortable to try to squeeze into a group or form a group to protect thyself from the deepest wounds.  Being open with one friend, only to have that person crush you.  People hide behind people.  They hide behind work, whatever it is.  They make excuses.  Those who want to get to know you, DO!

I pour my heart and soul into absolutely everything I do, writing, photography, paintings, contacts I make and people I try so hard to get to know.  Everyone is different.  Everyone is unique in their own special way.  It would be boring otherwise.  I extend my both arms & throw in two feet going into everything head & heart first.  I am a people lover.  

Perhaps, my lessons that I am suppose to learn here on earth haven’t even began to be tapped into, who knows but I know this much.  I get hurt all the time & I continue to seek the love I know my heart & soul is worth.  It is in you.  It is in me, it's in everyone.  I find everyone beautiful.  I find everyone worthy of my love.  When you feel like you are worthless, on the edge of wanting to simply die, don't.  You are perfect to me.  It isn't any different then the man I married.  Amazing feeling when you find your soul mate & you are proven daily he loves, trusts & cherishes you, even after 15 years.  Praying for this, knowing that I would have this absolute love wasn't easy.  But I trusted.  I knew I was worthy.....

People are harsh, they form judgements.  They listen to others and form opinions based on lies, deceit & shameful gossip not knowing the entire story or people.  Or, they just simply choose to take sides.  It’s society.  Everyone does it, so it’s hard to listen to that inner voice that gives you many different paths & gently whispers – look this way.  People are driven by appearances.  A bubblier person cute as a button can't really be that bad?

I don't want pity friendships.  It is not why I'm writing this.  I do honestly have absolutely amazing one of kind friendships with a handful of blessings.  My friends mean the world to me.  I prefer quality over quantity and always have treasured the few close friendships I've been so very lucky to build.  What I am perhaps trying to say is that I meet people all the time, but for me to open up and let a person into my heart takes courage and a chance on my part.  When I do this, I rarely find another me.  When I feel excited & find someone who resembles me, in terms of quality, high standards, loyalty, etc. I simply want more of them.  And, as my hubby has so eloquently put it in terms for me once, sometimes the answer the universe says is NO.  No matter how much you want it.  If it's meant to be it will be and if it's not, well, that speaks for itself.

We all have guides and the inner voice inside us for a peaceful way of living, unless you’re nothing but an evil entity with a fake shell that you possessed ages ago for the world to see.  If that’s the case, I’m sorry but you’re totally fucked!  Pardon me…..  I eliminate people like this from my life.  At one point I could see right through them, it's that gut feeling that sometimes you can't place your finger on but leaves you in knots & red flags are raised.  You want to see the beauty in them and you do, but the horns are there.  You even see the tail and yet you still go for more.  You still don't believe it, because you don't allow yourself to feel those negative feelings towards another being.  And, then it happens.  No explanations needed and necessary.  You know you're done.  Life is seriously too precious and absolutely beautiful to allow myself to be polluted by garbage of society & evil conduct of others.  I don't try to fit into any one's little secret circle.  If I want to I form my own... I do.

I’ve always held people on a pedestal until a time comes where I cannot keep it supported any longer & the mere foundations of it begins to break down & fold in on it's own.  I’ve fallen myself way too many times only to find myself full of dust, broken tears & bleeding love.  That's life.  Thank goodness I haven’t been on anyone’s pedestal yet because I think I might just get a case of dizzies since I'm afraid of heights.  I’m being totally sarcastic here of course.  I know for one, my hubby cherishes me and the tree ornament from my mom this year said she counts her blessings twice when she counts me.  So I know I'm loved beyond words.  I know & trust that I too am on someone’s pedestal (a friend) & work hard to maintain a case of balance with my honesty, loyalty & healthy trust to that individual.  Unless that person is someone you have no control over how, when & why they choose to be nasty towards you and you have no place to run because no matter where you go, they will find you to take out their anger at you.

I was always taught, that when life or circumstance or a person smacks you dead in the face – you simply offer up the other cheek. 

If people can be capable of allowing themselves to feel animosity towards you & do cruel things that leave you heartbroken, keep your composure.  YOU are strong!  It is them who will feel the shame in the end, not you.  Truth always finds a way to explode eventually, the more people try to hide it, the more it bubbles to the surface.  Don't worry about gossip.  If they choose to gossip about you remember this, "birds peck at the best fruit" so smile and mind your way. 

I don’t fight fire with fire.  Never have.  I’m not a coward either, I was just taught the wisdom of a more gentler & peaceful warrior way.  Water is gentle and may ease the flame & perhaps I should learn but I am an observer & love to watch people.  I take it all in.  It is one way I learn.

Those who are scared to return love, run.  I know that I kill people with my kindness.  Many times, I think I'm a sucker.  Perhaps I should be use to it by now, but I'm not.  It always hurts the same way.  I know I matter & it is to the people who matter to me the most.  That's what matters to me.  I am irreplaceable.  I'm one of a kind, unique, fun, bubble, quirky, loving, carrying, compassionate...... only to my children.  They see & feel me with such unconditional love & tenderness.  My true, little, most loyal friends.

I've had one person in my life for 32 years.  This person has gashed me, stabbed me, betrayed me, razored me with words of hate, envy, disgust, blame, poisoned others against me & yet I can & do say " I LOVE YOU" & wish you well with peace, love & only kindness unfolding upon you.  This Christmas wasn't any different. 

Why are people so scared & shielded to love, fully, beautifully and unconditionally? Why are they petrified of the ones who are nice & kind people, truly worthy of a little tenderness, compassion, honesty & love?  I am a person just like you.  A human, worthy of a little chance to get to know.  You may actually like me if you allow yourself to open up & feel.  You don't have to be related to me to hold me at a pedestal.  You don't need to know the colour of my skin, my eyes, the colour of my hair, if my skin is flawless or not, what my boob, waist & shoe size is, what my style is, where I went to school, if I was or wasn't popular, what car I drive, how much money is in my bank account, what my age is, what others think of me.... none of that matters. 
I keep bleeding love…… isn't that enough?


Thursday, December 22, 2011

What's bugging you today?

An experience like no other happened to me couple of weeks ago.  I decided to write about it because I feel it has a purpose that I am not aware of yet. Or does it?

I was meeting a networking contact for coffee at our local Harmony square coffee pub.  I had no idea what he looked like in real life as I've never met him.  His name is Shayne McIntyre, ACN.  I got to the coffee house as we agreed upon and bought a coffee.   I sat there patiently awaiting him looking around to see who walked in through the door.   I've connected with him on Facebook but you can't really tell from those photos what a person looks like.

There were two other similar looking men sitting in the pub.  One in each corner of the room.  After about half hour as I watched these two specific men observe me, I walked over to one of them asking him if he was Shayne.  He looked at me and politely said "no mam, sorry"....  & so forth I repeated this in the other section of the room. 

I walked over to the counter and asked the ladies if a guy named Shayne visited the premises often or was looking for me.  They replied "no, sorry" but we'll let you know if he does.  At this point I felt like I was stood up & this wasn't even a date. 

Surprised that neither one of these men were the person I was suppose to meet or anyone heard of him, I casually walked out onto the patio overlooking the skating rink.  It was a brisk morning.  I was done my coffee and so I decided to leave.  At first I thought if the universe is playing a joke on me that morning, but I smiled and off I went home. 

When I arrived, Shayne has called me few minutes after apologizing for being late.   Then I got even more suspicious.... "did he see me leave?" I thought. 

He politely asked me to meet if it wasn't too awkward & so I agreed to go back.  I surprised myself too. 

When I walked in, I immediately noticed who he was and his real face wasn't that far off from the Facebook photo.  You just never know with these things & I've never done this before. 

We sat down and he introduced me his line of work and we began chatting about so many topics.  It was an interesting conversation and before I knew an hour went by.  Then something unusual happened. 

Out of the blue, this man walks over to our cozy little corner with this ridiculous beaded looking wire bug that looked similar to a mosquito on what appeared to be a yo yo string.  Odd looking thing.  He politely asked if I could watch his bug for a minute while he grabbed a coffee.  Jokingly I asked if it will fly away if I don't watch it & that's when it started. 

Meet Leonard. 

AND meet Leonard's Bug.

Now for those who know me I love nothing more then to laugh.  These quirky things do happen to me & I love it when the universe makes me burst into uncontrollable laughter.  I should know better by now, but this sort of thing hasn't happened to me for quite some time and took me totally by surprise.

As Leonard who actually politely introduces himself as he plays his ukulele with a twisted bizarre song that he just made up I'm sure of it..... he also hands me his business card.  He said he was an artist so I immediately connected the artist's mind to the way he was behaving and thought nothing more then that this odd man had oodles of energy and zest for life like I've never seen.  There is something to be learned from all this. 

Now while I was reaching for his card, tons of things crossed my mind.  Is this card safe to touch, am I going too far along with this, should I politely say we (Shayne and myself) are in a conversation as this person was sort of interrupting our time.  As I thought all these things & the fact Leonard was sort of "bugging" me in better lack of terms.... I looked on the card to read his credentials and nearly peed peed my pants. 

It had his full name, his email address and with big bold letters "WHAT"S BUGGING YOU TODAY" on it.  I would have loved to see my face when I saw that, the card, the words... I was shocked, surprised.... I laughed until tears came out.

Unbelievable I thought.  Now if that's not an instant manifestation I don't know what is.  My good friend Julie Coombs introduced me to the concept of manifestations few years ago along with the Secret.  I wasn't even aware how powerful we truly are until the Secret came out & I realized I've been living my life the way of it and didn't even know it.  Anyways.... back to the story.

As Leonard proceeded to grab himself a coffee I knew this visit will be quite lengthy as he had an amazing amount of energy and I thought oh boy, here we go.  At this point I wasn't in a much hurry but I saw Shayne was too a little uncomfortable as we both didn't know what's next.  Leonard commented about my appearance and that there was something special about me & my aura.  I jokingly asked if it was glowing a shade of "welcome, come sit with us, we love small talk with strange men & odd looking bug things" and he politely said YES, with those big brown eyes. 

Leonard was full of surprises, showing us how this bug moves up and down and how it's his business card holder with Velcro tabs and how he breaks the ice so cleverly to start conversations with folks.  Then he pointed out it was a mosquito and how they kill so many people a year and how he has a business plan on making more of them in many different colours.  He spoke of the world and how he saw it & we listened.  His translation of the society and how everyone on the planet is botherred "bugged" by something every day and no matter how small it is, it's huge to them.  Hence the size of his squitto.  I was actually quite blown away at this man's wit, bravery, intelligence, nutty personality but so intriguing in every way.  In my head, I'm thinking "Bravo dude, you're quite brilliant" & he is, yet on the edge of something I can't put my finger on quite yet.  Aren't all brilliant people slightly on the edge?  Was I entertaining the thought  that if I say he's a weirdo, totally out there a nut bar - I'm infact judging him.  Yes.  I did my best to put that out of my mind and just enjoyed this unfolding event whole-heartedly.

His business card stated he was an artist so I asked him what he does.  He assured me he is in fact an artist and that he'll be teaching 4 classes in the upcoming year in our downtown so I am sure to follow up with that. 

Another half hour has passed with so much information told by Leonard at which point Shayne began making his exit very politely and I wasn't staying alone with Leonard so we both excused ourselves to depart the pub.   We shook hands outside and were in disbelief actually what has just happened chuckling at it light heartedly. 

Leonard had left quite an imprint I have to say.  I think about that meeting & what it could possibly signify & how it fits into my day that day.  Was it just a nutty day all around with the quirky universe showing me to loosen up & not be so serious?  I'd like to think a little both and that the purpose of Leonard & meeting him will unravel in the coming months.  Perhaps it fits into the story of Shayne & my meeting with him and our first unusual meeting, that is yet to be pursued in further meetings of the entire group he's constructed, where my friend Robyn Dargie - Arbonne's District Manager also attends on Tuesdays.

For now, I will never take the question of "what's bugging you today" with the same casual thought.  I will always think of Leonard.  And with that said, everyone has a purpose & a meaning even if they don't know it, even if these people are on an edge of "out there" & cast aways by the normal standards of society.  What is normal anyways?

So.... I only have one more question.  What's bugging you today?


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Trust me....

Betrayal is like a bullet.  Bullet straight to your heart.  It kills you instatly and if it doesn't, the scars of it will remind you of the gaping hole that once nearly made you bleed to death.  Betrayal doesn't happen if you don't trust.  I'm sticking to that.

I'm so sick of people telling me that I can trust them.  Fresh new people in my life, who know nothing about me, cute fun bubbly folks who appear like they could become your new best friend. 

Trust is so hard to give.  I use to trust anyone and everyone.  Not anymore.  I was taught by my grandma that trust is something that has to be earned.  Trust is not free.  It comes at a price of your heart & soul being betrayed and hurts like nothing else when the trust is broken.  I'm not just talking old lovers, boyfriends & fallen friendships.  It's about stupid things that people do that breaks the trust & leaves you with no foundation to build upon.

I wish I could trust more.  But the evidence is so clear I cannot.  The words "trust me" are overused and abused.  The world and people in it are full of "white" lies, dark secrets & gossip.  It's sickening.  They maintain relations with people who may have hurt you in the past, or know of people who stabbed you and it's nothing short of a conduit for disaster.  Why make myself more vulnerable?  Yes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, but what do you call a friend of my enemy?

Meet my grandma.  My hero.  My friend.

She is now far from this God forsaken world on a new journey of transformation.  God I miss her.  She was my light, my friend, my confidant... she is now my angel.  I could tell her anything, even if it was bad or a deep dark secret.  She would never judge me, she would never ever hurt me.  She would cry with me, laugh with me, get silly & foolish.  She could be a grown up & she could be a kid just like me.  I trusted her with my life.  I talk to her all the time still.   A while ago I wrote a poem about her called Heroes

When my father use to beat the crap out of me, I would tell her everything the next day.  She would know because my eyes have died a little over night & the sparkle was gone she'd say.  I was her "star" and she'd say the star wasn't shining today.   As my spirit would break a little with each beating.  Not to mention the bruises she'd see.  She hated him for it.  They never got along.  She was wild & brave like a tiger and would jump at him to try to scratch out his eyeballs when he hurt me.  He hated her too.  I was always scared to tell her because I didn't want her to get hurt like I saw my mom get hurt when she stood up for me in the many beatings, my poor mommy she sure got her share.... but I would eventually spill everything.  It always came out.

She was the best grandma a child could ask for.  She hardly ever said no to me, and as a matter of fact she hardly used the word with anyone.  Everything was possible, everything was a yes and there was always a way to do anything you put your mind into.  She baked & cooked anything my heart desired.  She was amazing.  I'm so missing those warm nurturing hugs filled with light and energy. Her gentle eyes told a life story.  She could touch your hand & you would feel transformed instantly.  There was a natural sweet delicious scent about her, she always smelled so good like a sugar plum.

She taught me all I know about life and I honestly think I'm a lot like her.  Passionate, loving, honest, gentle with humans yet to the core absolutely misunderstood by people because they have life issues higher then them.  One thing I cannot do is trust people anymore.  It takes a special person for me to trust.

People are scared of people who are nice, they judge them, they are cautious.  They don't trust you but ask that you trust them.  I think society has taken a piece of each human and turned it into a weapon.  A mass self-destructive way of thinking, feeling and seeing.   It has created channels for vanity & physicality with all surface facades. Us.  People.  Robots.  We are so much more then the fleshy matter, underneath, fragile, vulnerable, bleeding, loving, crying, wanting nothing else then to be loved.

My care, compassion, integrity, love & loyalty I am capable of disbursing always comes at a price.  They all have a residual dust of trust in it.  People use that.  I think my father broke me.  He broke my heart.  He broke my mind & soul.  He took the twinkle out of my eyes.  I like to think he didn't break my spirit though.

People are such takers & fakers.  They take that initial spark that may interest them in you at first, learn whatever if anything from you & then you're disposable.  So it seems.  Maybe I'm harsh.... but it sure feels like that sometimes.  People have stories to tell, blogs to write, poems to publish..... it never ends.  As much as a person is honest and you think you may actually trust them because they are in fact one of the most honest people you've met, doesn't mean you can trust them.  Honesty does not equal trust.  You can be honest, but are you trustworthy?

I keep to myself.  I trust no one.  I am at times social but always cautious.  My super tiny trust list consists of my heavenly angel grandma, my very much loved mother & my amazing husband.  Everyone else hasn't made it into the category, and if they think they have they are mistaken.  I have some pretty amazing friends out there, and would love nothing more then to trust a few.  Maybe I'm close but I find trust is a key to feeling absolutely free with someone & being able to say anything knowing they will not use that nor hurt you.  Trust is huge.  Everyone so far has broken the trust that once had potential to develop into a trustworthy status of a friend.

I was told countless of times that I should have been a therapist, because I can offer a good ear & advice.  I'm trustworthy. People tell me their secrets and I know how to keep them.  I put myself in the person's situation & can feel their pain.  I know how to listen & comfort tears of sadness.  I am sensitive yet strong.  Will I ever trust anyone else again?  I know who I am.  Do you?

You can trust me....... 


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Can you hear me dad...

For 13 years I've had the privilege to celebrate Christmases with you....  You were an amazing dad, father-in-law to me, gradpa to your gorgeous gradkids, father to Anthony always -- he misses you so even if he doesn't say it I feel it.  How can I do this Christmas without you? 

I got all emotional today not being able to buy a gift for you & watch you open it up as you always got so happy like a little kiddo awaiting what it could be.  It's not any different then anticipating joy in my kids faces & they mean the world to me.  So did you.  Your smile would let me know you liked what I got.  No words needed to be exchanged, except how you cleared your throat while getting a little glossy eyed, so humbled that we thought about you & then just your power hugs that nearly squished my lungs would be my confirmation of your gratefulness.  You were amazing.  Do you know that?

God I miss you!!  I miss those hugs. There are no words to describe what I feel right now.  Even though you are Anthony's dad, you imprinted onto my heart like my own father & I miss you every day, especially when I have my cup of coffee in the mornings.  I talk to you do you know that?  I sit in your spot at the kitchen island on the days I miss you the most & can't shake it off... waiting for your nudge & then I smile.  I can almost hear you say "you decided to sit in my spot today did ya?"  It rings in my ears like a calming melody.... your voice.

Perhaps it is silly I am so emotional as it will be 2 years in May that you are gone... but your presence is felt always.  You are so missed especially at this time of the year. 

Sometimes I ask you a question hoping I will hear something ..... anything.  I see a twinkle in the room and I immediately think it's you.  The kids talk to you too.  They tell you they love you all the time & how much they miss you and they carry that flat extreeme grandpa Darcy got for us everywhere.  Do you know that you have been to all their games, concerts & award ceremonies?

They ask you to join them in photos I take of them and there are countless orbs we have in so many pics.  We hope it's you. 

We have you in tons of framed photographs we admire and today of all days -- especially an emotional day for me, Kendra finally finished a snowflake she's been working on for a while.  She said, It's finally done mom.  Let's hang it on the tree for grandpa.  I nearly choked on my tears.

We put it onto your frame we admire daily in your library room you enjoyed so much and where we lite a candle for your eternal peaceful journey.

The truth is -- you have never left.  You are still here.  We feel you, we sense you & we speak of you.  We talk to you, we talk about you, we joke, we bicker, we blame you for things broken hahaha, we ask you how we could do something when we are stuck, we ask you to help us find things you have put away, we laugh at your jokes you've told us & the memories are so cherished daily of all those stories you've told. You have taught us so much and your gentle face & your soft yet booming voice is very much missed.

When I think of you .... my tears flow like a flood gate and my heart quivers, throat swells and I cover my face with my hands for a moment as I feel an urge to burst into endless tears.  I miss you more then you will ever know.....  I love you dad.  Can you hear me?


Thank you for the "Thank Yous" ♥

Another beautiful Monday yesterday full of opportunities for the beautiful week ahead and I received another surprise in the morning. 

 I received a mystery flower basket that made me smile from ear to ear.  Assuming at first it was from my hubby when I called the lady at Passmore's Flowers to see who sent it & her reply was the gentleman said that I would know.  Ahem.  Yes, of course - thank you, I said with a slight confusion, while still trying to figure it out.

It wasn't till later in the evening that I discoverred it wasn't my hubby who sent me such a beautiful flower arrangement, but he was puzzled as well. So it was still unsolved until I received a phone call from a friend of mine who whole heartedly thanked me for all that I have done for him in the year. 

It is such a nice guesture and thoughtful thing to do, when people take the time to show gratitude. Thank you to all who love & appreciate me and take the time for showing me in any way.  It means so much to me.


Monday, December 19, 2011

Can death be asleep when life is but a dream....

Can death be sleep, when life is but a dream,
and scenes of bliss pass as a phantom by?
The transient pleasures as a vision seem,
and yet we think the greatest pain's to die.

How strange it is that man on earth should roam,
and lead a life of woe, but not forsake
his rugged path; nor dare he view alone
his future doom which is but to awake.
John Keats

Sometimes - we get surprises when we least expect them.  I appreciate & absolutely love all the surprises my babe sends/ gives me.  They may not happen very often but when they do, they leave an imprint.... He knows how much I love poetry.  xox

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Trilogy remake

Best trilogy I've seen in a very long time. Saw the original 3 few months ago with Ewa Troling. Looking forward to this new one to hit the screens.

Starring Rooney Mara

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Your life is YOUR life ♥

Somehow this makes sense, even though it makes sense every day, every day is different & challenging to swallow these words & savour each letter.  It always has yet today, rainy as it is... sad as I was yesterday.... my life is my life.

Your life is your life, don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
Be on the watch.
There are ways out.
There is a light somewhere.
It may not be much light but it beats the darkness.
Be on the watch.
The gods will offer you chances.
Know them.
Take them.
You can’t beat death but, you can beat death in life, sometimes.
And the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be.
Your life is your life.
Know it while you have it.
You are marvelous
The gods wait to delight in you.

- by Charles Bukowski
Laughing Heart ♥

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I love Mondays....

Thank you for the "thank yous"  I'm feeling so blessed to have the opportunity to share my talents with the world.  It makes my heart full of joy to receive such beautiful thank you card with the work I do on it.  Arriving on a Monday it totally made my day -- maybe even the week. 

Meet Tyler.  One of the cutest little boys I know. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Humans get scared when you are nice to them...

I will never alter who I am & what I do for others.  Nobody knows nor do I need the world to know what I do in my private time, but sharing this story chokes me up even today.

** I was Toronto bound about 10 years ago and just bought a muffin & a coffee leaving the hospital after visiting my sister. It was winter. I saw a homeless man on the corner of the street & he looked very cold trying to cover himself with a ratty old blanket & my heart just dropped, as it always does when I see people less fortunate.  I went over to him, kneeled and handed him my coffee & muffin and said "here sir, please take this I'd like you to have it" and he looked at me, cautiously only to ask "why are you being so nice to me."  I will never forget that & how that made me feel. His gentle yet tired & worn face stared at me for a minute as our eyes connected at which point I felt this person's life & his hardships. It changed me at the core & the way I saw society through this man's eyes. I had no instant answer for him as my throat swelled & I was pushing back tears. Then, I told him my sister almost died & that I understand people a lot more then people understand me.  Really, I just wanted to give him a big hug because he sees & has thousands of people walk by each day.  He smiled, took my coffee & muffin and said "God bless"**  This is just a single one of my many stories & experiences.  Each one is unique and special & most importantly a message for me and me alone to decipher and understand, to ultimately shape my core.

Every time I think of that precise moment & how it made me feel I cannot help but to push back tears.  There are so many homeless people on this planet & I wish I could do more to help them.  As my friends and family know for many years I've been wanting so badly to open up a shelter & a soup kitchen to care for & feed the hungry.  World Vision has contributed my share of donations over the course of 7 years while I helped 3 separate families & urged others to donate as Albert my late father-in-law did too.  I cannot help to think about the life these people live, hungry, cold & lonely.  Judged by society, ignored like trash...... it just breaks my heart.  This year I'm going down the streets and handing out blankets & will take anyone who wants to come with me.

I just feel that somehow, my work is not done & my purpose is higher then I know it.  Do we really need to win millions to make our dreams come true?  I don't dream for fancy things, I dream & wish to make our world a better place especially through the eyes of the homeless.  But - that is only my wish.

Photo not taken by me.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

My Photography Love Affair

I’ve been taking photos for over ten years.  Fell in love with nature when I was a very young little girl - while butterflies, June bugs, snails, birds, slithery worms and even ants fascinated me.  I played for hours with each and every little bug I could capture and touch, inspecting its details.

It wasn’t until I got older I realized my passion for nature can be expressed and captured through the lens of my camera.  Landscapes, trees and all the colourful flowers and nature surrounding us are right at my fingertips.  This of course involves all seasons including the bitter cold, which is beautiful on its own right down to the amazing frost crystals on our windows which I love to take shots of with my macro lens.

The day I did my very first photo-shoot, I knew I found something I will never let go of.  Not only I get to capture such special events for people, the energy and excitement for them to be in a photo-shoot is written all over their faces, I get to be part of their memories.

For me, it is a love affair.  A love affair with the concept of being there feeling, seeing, laughing with all their excitement of what they feel even if it is only for an hour.  I compare it to a love affair, because it never happens again.  Each experience is unique and different and leaves me with a different memory.  Wedding photographers must get that same rush & absolutely feel the same way with the one main difference.  They get to experience it for many hours at a time and sometimes more shoot are involved such as engagement shoots so they get to know the people on a much deeper level.  I capture a moment that cannot be explained only felt at the present time and I have an hour two tops with these people.

I love taking photos.  It is part of my soul, my calling if one might call it that.  I capture what I’ve been told Godly moments of energy and presence with lighting and sunshine radiance.  I capture these because it takes an eye to see a certain light, reflection, twinkle in the eye or that special secret smile in child that only comes out in the purest joy felt.  There is never another moment like it.  Each is special in it's own way.  My photography is only one half of my work, the other is editing.  Most of my photos are augmented by tweaking the contrast, curves and I do a lot of layering by cropping blinked eyes or a smile to make it fit with the rest in a group shot.  It takes hours upon hours to give people the final product but it’s work worth every drop of sweat and even worth every moments of doubt & self frustration.  I love all of it.  It allows me to learn and grow and learn something new each day.

Finally, I’m so blessed I have the opportunity to build my many friendships while I capture people’s special moments.  I'm a social butterfly anyways so for me it's easy to speak with people and find something in common.  For the most part, my clients who are or have become my friends, these people encourage me in furthering my career in what I love to do and praise me for the work I do and results I give them.  Most of the time it is just from the small sneak peeks I give on Facebook.  It feels so nice to be appreciated.  In the end I walk away feeling satisfied I gave something back, while they give me something a price cannot be attached to.  They don’t even realize that for me the most precious thing was the opportunity to share a moment in their lives, even if it was only for an hour.

Thank you~ to all of you who believe in me and encourage me. ♥

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Oh Baby...

I haven't been this full of joy and pure love since the birth of my own children.  I haven't spoken with my sister for few months as her hormones were all over the place hence being pregnant and we haven't got along the best over the course of well -- forever.  I miss her so much actually but she'll never truly know that.  Learning she gave birth I went to the hospital to see her and meet my little nephew, who is just so precious.

Meet my little nephew.  "Happy Birthday"

Seeing him for the first time brought back so many precious memories for me that were comparable to the first time I met my sister when I was six years old.  This cute little bundle of joy pulled at my heartstrings and made me tear up ultimately melting my world.  Her lips were identical, heart shaped little gum drops, cute little button nose and everything about him reminds me of her.  It took me about a week to pull myself together after seeing her and meeting junior, because I would love nothing more then to have the opportunity to see him more often. 

Due to the privacy that my sis explicitly asked me to maintain & not post any photos of her baby in my portfolio & on the net -- so I am unable to share with the world how adorable he actually is, but those cute little lips are far from breaking the rules.  I love him so much & he makes me smile from my heart.  ♥

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Spiritual Oneness

"Materialism grounds you.  Reach for the light, for the knowledge resides in the consciousness of your higher self."  These are the words I woke up to.  Who said them?  I was alone sleeping and yet I head them clear as day.

I question the significance of our guardian angels and their spiritual meaning in our life and lately I'm becoming more aware that it may in fact be ourselves who guide us along this human journey. There is a being much more aware and much more powerful then this fragile human fleshy one, allowing us to experience all we are here to experience on Earth.  It watches and guides us to where we are going and perhaps what we all came here to learn.  It is us residing in a higher dimension of our consciousness and universal awareness.

We are creatures of the light, energy, electricity and such great power.  People so easily forget where they come from, blinded by the nature of the Earthly possessions, colour, sounds, tastes and the feeling of tangible objects.  It's all fake and I know why I dislike it so much.

For me, all I've ever wished is to return home.  A home I know is awaiting me and yet I know it's not a home like we all imagine.  This home is me with God and myself in another dimension of awareness and collective consciousness and I so crave and yearn to feel whole again.  It is an indescribable feeling inside my heart and soul that pangs to reunite with the light.  I feel the energy surge in my vivid dreams, I feel it when I stare into the sunset, feeling the wind in my face and dirt on my hands.

I've never felt like I belong here yet I know I have something to learn in this fleshy matter just as I've made the choice to be here.  Life is beautiful.   I've accepted that much a while back and my journey has become a little more comfortable over the years.  Questioning what that learning is has never stopped however.  The yearning for oneness is always there and lately with the time lapses and time itself speeding up, I feel strange for writing this - but I feel the time of the merge is near.

The knowledge I seek through meditation, deep sleep conversations I have with beings have allowed me to feel and see so much more clearly then I ever imagined.  Lately, I have felt overwhelmed and suffocated by the pollution of this planet by the energy vampires who suck you dry and leave you shaking, drained, helpless gasping for air.  I've seen it in the changes of people and their od behaviours and felt the impact of the hate from people called siblings.  I continuously become part of the vicious circle I fear and it's a constant battle to break away.

My destiny awaits me with each powerful second I use my will to choose.  Material things don't exist.  They are just another form of energy, transformed into a tangible object of our imagination.  If you believe, you will create - whatever that is individually.  However, people don't believe until something significant makes them believe, whatever that is.

These books on enlightenment, powerful of law of attraction, the secret itself has been known since the beginning of time and yet we are still here in our fleshy matter, some are rich flaunting their assets, some are poor and starving and some just don't care.  Some seek fame and money while others remain quiet, yet aware with the higher knowledge poor or rich.  Why is our planet consuming us.  This beautiful planet we all chose to come to and experience life on.

So why don't we all live in mansions, drive expensive cars, flaunt our million dollar bills?  Isn't that what the entire human race wants?  Have I lost my faith in people?  I hope not, because faith is the only gift that resides in each and every one of us, that is from the spiritual being we all call God.

For now - I'll just trust that what I heard was a confirmation of my higher self for my recent conscious choices to let go of the tangible and reach for the light and that I am in fact on the right path.

Peace to all~

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Tearing down the walls…

I found myself at the bottom of the deep dark oasis pit the other day when my eyes flooded with tears and my heart engorged with blood from the gashing wounds of the years’ endured pain, heartaches, broken friendship, betrayal from family, deaths, the dealings society seems to bombard us humans with and oh so much more.

There has to be a point in everyone’s life when we feel there isn’t possibly anything that can hurt us anymore as we build walls to guard our heart.  But there is.  Just when you may feel the slightest comfort on a way up from the bottomless pits of hell, reaching for the light that makes you feel light and peaceful, at ease fully believing that all will be well again as we cling to hope, something out of the darkness grabs you by the leg and pulls you right down again.  I’m so tired.  It’s an endless roller-coaster ride that I want so badly to get off. 

The society causes people to be vicious, manipulative, poisonous greedy little liars and I’m sick of it.  People think I’m strong all the time, I’m not.  I break like everyone else.  I’m not a superwoman.  I eat kryptonite for breakfast every day.

My life has been challenging, full of endured hardships of life’s experiences.  Is this what makes us blend with society on the other end’s spectrum?  I had an abusive father and watched him destroy my childhood as we bravely escaped my country at my pre-teens and landed in a foreign country refugee camp for 6 months.

Coming to Canada was a blessing but before I could count my blessings I had to learn English & take the punches of bullies calling me names & making fun of me.  Standing for myself became empowering, although scarring memories have remained.

At the end of my teenage years, gone through 2 failed relationships, a start to a spiritual awakening and a series of flooding memories and nightmares from my past at the same time nearly broke me.  “Why am I on Earth?” was my only question I wanted answered.

I pursued a college decision and followed through, not really knowing how and why I just kind of floated on a daily basis for the next two years nearly graduating with honours, while being stuck with a huge student loan and no job.

When I finally scored a decent job I met my now husband.  Life became a little happier.  Until the decision of moving in changed my life forever.

I got married couple of years later and remained with my husband loyal to his widowed father to take care of him.  The father, who in the end became one of my most important and kindest father figure for me passed away after nearly 13 wonderful years we all shared under the same roof.  Yeah, life was challenging at times but the lessons I’ve learned from this elderly man are invaluable.

In the end, after the care we provided for this wonderful man, ultimately altering our married life became turmoiled in an estate battle between my husband and his two elder siblings along with my own sibling who stabbed us with words one cannot fathom.  Why?  Because they don’t like me and because they are ashamed of not standing up to hold their own to be there for their father perhaps.  It astounds me what delusions people live by and to what levels they stoop to in order to make themselves feel better.   How powerful is society to influence humans?

Would I do it all over again with the same decisions, knowing the people who are in my life would betray me, stab me into my back while asleep, cause me so much grief that it chokes me on a daily basis while poison is spread across the multitude of those foul beings I am disprivileged calling my extended family.  Yes, absolutely.  Why?  Because I do believe greater lessons are meant to be learned for everyone involved. 

Perhaps for me as well as those foul beings I speak of – while I realized one important thing.  I’m nearly a conduit for the greater lessons that must be learned.  I myself am the path to the knowledge I seek through me and my strength, courage and endurance that I barely have left, I hang onto a slight beam of light that guides me to an inkling for just a sliver of the wonderful peace where all knowledge I seek is known and all pain I feel is healed.

I keep going.  I don’t know how – I just do.
My kids are so smart and beautiful and although still young they comfort me.  I thank them daily I’m here to see their faces, even though motherhood alone is so challenging & draining I do my best to be the best.  I know why I was born.

I continue to create my little creative pieces, sometimes I please a being who tells me they love my work and that my art has affected their life in a positive way, and that makes me smile and warms my heart.
At the end of the day my walls do come crashing down only for me to rebuild them every day all over again, to protect myself from the harm that could be coming my way.  I’m stuck in a circle of endless pain and foresight I cannot escape from those who betrayed me, my husband, my children and family. 

What makes it that much more unreal is that it is actually family who betrayed us.  I’m stuck in nightmares, awaking with nausea, feeling this cannot possibly be real.  Questioning why?  Can people actually have such animosity towards another human being, blinding them with such evil that they are capable of such horrid things?

I began to question the unquestionable.  It’s so not like me to question, yet I know with questions only answers will follow sooner or later.

What doesn’t break us only makes us stronger.  My belief in the higher power only grows higher.  My belief in the goodness, fairness and justice only grows deeper, while my soul grows on all levels possible.
So this morning for the first time in a long time – I’m tearing down the walls.  Peace~

Friday, August 5, 2011


Through all this my darkest year
Revealed is my most sacred fear
That I would fail myself, not all
Yet stronger am I in abyss fall

Monday, June 13, 2011

Alone in Pain

The pain that envelopes your entire soul
As it reaches to the depths of the core
Of your solitude in darkest abyss
Where only you can see
With heartbeats amiss
Only to reveal....
This path is yours alone

Monday, April 18, 2011


Frozen in time unable to feel
Naive to hear, touch nor see
Soon we are not who we are
Bound to be completely free

Why have the years gone by?
Oblivious we are they disappear
Blanketed delusions within us lie
Creating facades from our fear

Walking, seeing and hearing cries
Of those distant voices who call
In the shadows of our existence
Getting up to try again we fall

Folding hands from dirty laundry
When desire bubbles in our core
For items to build broken dreams
Yearning we wish forever more

Impostors exist within our mirrors
Reflecting beings we do not know
Defiant souls who crave but fame
To continue waves of greedy flow

The hearts are beating to a rhythm
As the Earth echoes cries of plead
Revive love and mostly consider
Respectfully equal we do all bleed

Abundance lives in air we breathe
It is not too late remove the mask
Although kind cautiously do step
Each fulfilling your mortal task

Friday, March 11, 2011


She lands the shore barefoot poor
No food, nor roof not even a door
Her soul open free to heavens gate
As angels sing she has met her fate

Sun gently rises she feels no shame
To set foot on land that calls her name
Her heart quivers joy she has never felt
To see eyes of a man she has never met

Spirits connect as he takes her hand
To rejoice together on brand new land
Though exhausted weary weak she falls
His love he carries with dreadful howls

Wishing final wish upon a falling star
To bear her broken cross living so afar
Upon his knees he falls God mercy show
His tears bathe her face his head a bow

As two fools on a lifeline await a time
Loving and yearning is their only crime
East bound she ponders with a glance
Soul free in a body of tranquil stance

It was only a dream oh so ever sweet
As she looks down to see her bare feet
God's glory unveiled a forgiven past
In the flight of light to be free at last

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Soulful tone feeds my heart

Yearning for zest and desire

Miles has gone the lust apart

To spark again a burning fire

New and tangy like lemon pie

Is my tongue's recent flavour

Unbound wings stretch to fly

Awaken am I by new favour

Gracious glory shines above

These extremities do not exist

I fly again like newborn dove

Fulfilling chores on my list

Renewed essence anticipated

Day of brand new revelation

Revealed to me who awaited

The one celestial translation

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Gazing into the heaven
I see only your face
Longing for your touch
Held in an embrace

Colourful enchantments
Gentle soul you have
So unaware we are both
For unveiling love

I caught a rainbow today
And placed it in a jar
Only to release it one day
For the bridge afar

Across all oceans and seas
I whisper your name
Do you feel me as I you?
Are you and I same?

Under this rainbows gate
We connect in dreams
Unknown is but our fate
Only our spirit hears

Sound of hues’ harmony
Colours of my bliss
Sealed is our but journey
Our love with a kiss

by Janette Dengo