The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Friday, May 31, 2013

I am Sentient 5261492

Truthfully, I have no idea what this means.  Like I mean zero idea.  Even just sitting down why am I here writing this but I am.  Maybe it will come to me.  The numbers and the dreams are vivid just like the flesh I can pinch on myself and sense that I exist.   It's only flesh.  I am invisible.

It has been few years since I awaken from a dream literally yelling out the numbers repeatedly in this precise sequence.  It hasn't been until few years later that I combined the sentient being with the number sequence.  Again awaking in middle of the night, jotting down few words and falling back asleep.  I am starting to believe it is fitting the criteria of something from a science fiction novel and I cannot even believe it is in any way related to me and my life.  But it is.  I would love nothing more then to figure out this puzzle.  Or have I?

I've researched the web in regards to the numbers and have come up with some of the most fascinating results which I wouldn't even know where to begin to describe.  It's information on certain DNA sequence, secret military stuff, to unique compositions of chemicals and studies, etc.  I mean this info isn't all straight forward when you Google it.  You have to dig into records and fish things out of a ponds full of mud and muck and dig below the surface.

All I know is that 5261492 is directly linked to me.  Somehow, some way I will experience these numbers first hand in this lifetime.  I've even thought of the population decrease should there be a cataclysmic event, would this be the number of people left in the world?  Could this be my call number to go into hiding?  Ahh -- the brain of an artist.  The things it comes up with is mind blowing, literally. 

For now I will call myself Sentient 5261492.  When the word sentient appeared in my dream and I wrote it down during the night, I had to look up the meaning of it the next day.  My vocabulary is quite extensive especially for an immigrant but I still come across words, pretty much daily that I have to look up. 

If there was ever a time for me to feel like I belong into the quantum of mechanics it is now.  Again a word that I didn't even understand not too long ago. 

There comes a time during my deep state meditation where I feel completely numb to my own body and feel like I am almost at a pulsating state of consciousness.  It is at this time I feel like a single molecule of existence.  So tiny indeed, feeling the weight of the surrounding forces, still breathing but the air feels heavy as it fills my lungs only about 4 times in a minute, and I feel so unstable in terms of the vibrational wave that the slightest miscalculation on my part could have me rapture into an infinity of subatomic particles.  It is at this time I feel absolute peace and contentment.  It doesn't even make sense to me what I feel and how small I am but I know precisely everything that matters in those few moments I am able to stabilize and exist in.  How small we are as humans in this colossal entire existence of the cosmos, galaxies and entire universe.  I don't even think people allow themselves to go into places like this in their heads.

I have changed so much over the years.  Some days I don't even know who I am yet I know exactly who looks back at me from behind my eyes.  I dislike mirrors.  Only because I am trapped in this body.  Human body that which restricts my abilities.  I am a fragment of God.  So are you.  All living existence is.

I am still changing and will continue as long as I keep breathing and awaking each day.  I am here on a mission to learn and experience life.  My purpose is to breathe oxygen, intake water and food for nourishment and allow my brain to expand and learn the ways of evolutionary milliseconds.  Each tiny moment in our life is significant.  Each breath we take is a gift and gets us closer to the destination of the journey we are here to take.  I communicate daily with other beings craving to find another one like me.  Perhaps a different code.  I have hope I will find one.

On the most part people fail me.  The human race is beautiful yet constantly affected by fears and controlled by their subconsciousness.  It feels almost like a collective colony of misfiring wires, all connected to a central system short circuiting.

I am sentient 5261492 and I am here to learn, love, experience, taste, break, breathe, expand, repair, evolve and multiply.  In flesh, I am a female although what resides inside below the flesh has no specific sex yet it has all.  I am luminous and incandescent.   My light is blinding to the naked eye.  I am all living and breathing things and elements.  They exist inside of me, outside of me and I collect important information in terms of existence.  I seek knowledge and love.  I've learn to crave human contact.  I enjoy tastes and find pleasure in the colour spectrum.

From observations, people fear me or love me.  There is a balance but they fear the unknown.  Human race is fragile and disposable to each other.  Their evolutionary leap takes effect in extreme measures of heightened senses.  They are effected by great sadness. 

There are laws yet there is a flaw in executions of these laws.  They are fragile too. There is no structure within the balance and equilibrium.  It is in a constant tilt.  It is a faulty existence yet perfect.  There is structure in the chaos of relevance. 

Earth is in crucial need of repair.  It has reached a crisis point of no return.  It is cleansing to destroy and renew.  It is at it's death and birth simultaneously.  It is in a paradox of mortality.

5261492 out!

Friday, May 24, 2013

XXX Hot Boudoir photoshoot - warning hang onto something

I cannot even express in words how much fun photo shooting boudoirs are!  There is something so beautiful in capturing a woman who desires to feel and look beautiful for her significant other or even just for a private collection of images to keep.  It is so much fun to have a free spirited woman who can totally put herself into a role of acting for the camera.  It is a mind set that you have to have, thinking of whatever makes you happy, gives you pleasure, love and those sassy looks and dreamy eyes.  For me, I see beauty within everything and everyone. The inner beauty is what I love capturing with my camera. An essence while exploring their inner thoughts comes forth and that's the moment to capture.  There are never two moments alike, each one is unique. Enjoy the sneaks from a very hot boudoir shoot with a very beautiful, talented, sexy and a brave woman I have the privilege calling my friend!!  :)  Please visit my public Facebook page and "LIKE" the page.  Thx

Friday, May 17, 2013

3 Years

It has been 3 years today since your soul set on a journey of transformation and merged into the light from which we are One. The grand kids are so much bigger and a little wiser now. I know you see them. Kendra loves your room and she has so many of your traits. There are days when I look at your grandson and the morning beam of light hits his face and I see a twinkle in his eye and a reflection of you dad. You live on. You continue to live in our life moments, in our laughter and reminiscing, in the faces of your grandchildren and our hearts. Your presence is felt every single day and I would give anything to feel one more of your amazing power hugs. My morning coffee has never been the same. It has been 3 years today since the Earth has lost a humble man worth living hundreds of years, a man with a golden heart - yet I know you only went home. We love & miss you............ ♥

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dream on

I have to give a huge thank you to my husband Anthony for believing in me and giving me the freedom to follow my dreams and passion for the arts, especially the last couple of years in pursuing my goal of becoming a photographer.

Yes it is true, behind every great man stands a great woman however I wouldn't be where I am today in my life in terms of living my dream, if it wasn't for him.  We do make a great team.  Like everything in life, marriage and being a parent is such a challenge and it is all about trial and error.  Nobody ever tells you how hard either will be.  It truly takes effort, commitment, hard work, trust, loyalty, patience, understanding, persistence, dedication and above all love to succeed remotely at any of it. 

It takes a man who is all of those words mentioned above and so much more.  A very loving and dedicated man to his family in providing a steady income to pay bills, put food on our table, keep and maintain the roof over our heads in our beautiful home, have our kids enrolled in a private school and so much more.   We are blessed beyond words.  Truly. 

I AM so blessed to have you in my life as my life long partner, to believe in me so much, trusting me and directly or indirectly pushing me to dream on...  When I vowed over 14 years ago and gave you my heart to hold and my hand to keep I meant it.   I haven't right away, but I see more clearly every new year we are together that you meant it too.  In so many ways you have kept my hand along our journey and helped in the transformation of two young crazy people in love, into mature adults, great parents and each other's loving partners. It hasn't been easy but what journey where you learn so much is? 

I love you deeply.  I may be a dreamer but you are my grounding rod and never let me get my head too high into the clouds.  You let me spread my wings and fly like an eagle to soar and seek the tallest trees, to reach the highest goals I set for myself and yet I always find my way home.  It may sound cliche but in so many ways you are the wind beneath my wings.  You and the kids mean the world to me and are my foremost biggest achievement ever, nothing could ever top that not even a career.  My family always comes first.  I simply wanted to show my appreciation and recognition you deserve for all that you do and thank you for your support.

One day, I hope you too will be eager to pursue your passions in the culinary arts.  In many ways, more then you give yourself credit for, you are also an artist.  Your foods are incredibly enriched in flavour and zest and I LOVE being your guinea pig.  If not the world, I DO recognize your talents and appreciate your creative and delicious food in so many ways.  We are such foodies!  You are a humble and kind soul and I just know that the good Lord will show you a path into your own dreams to follow.  I wish I could find the words on how much I want you to experience a dip of your soul into such passions.  It is truly intoxicating when you work so hard at something where you are exhausted beyond words, yet at the end of the day it felt like you have been playing all day long.  After all, everyone is a kid at heart. 

Never stop believing in yourself that you can reach your own goals.  Dream on..........  ♥  Dreams really do come true.


Saturday, May 11, 2013


I find myself crave the untasted, yearn for the impossible, strive for the unreachable..... why?  Deep down I know that “Anything imaginable is absolutely achievable, when you believe”
There is no such thing as the impossible and unreachable.  I know this.

I also know I reach everything I set my mind into.  Almost everything, almost all the time.  I have to be so careful what I seek & yearn for, what I focus on, even the slightest crave (without the proper intentions behind it) can have huge consequences.  Is it taboo to want something you do not have even if what you have could be so great, yet what you crave could be even greater?  Is this greed?

Ability to sense beyond the obvious, beyond the physical and seen, beyond the touchable.  We are human.  I have always felt that I am human + plus.  There is an overflowing empathy within me.  I know that I am different, just as I know the difference between black and white.  Once, even sadly I called myself a "freak" but those adolescent years have long been gone.  It's everything you feel and know and wish you didn't.  Yet it's everything you so deeply admire within yourself.  It's all emotions all at once in a great flood.  Controlled.  Under complete calmness yet chaos within.  It's true, some get medicated for this.  Some do and some don't.  Some should and don't while some shouldn't and do.
"Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics."
Ahh, the great energy.

My mind never rests.  I wish I could calm my mind and tame my spirit.  It is constantly in a dance, spinning endlessly.  In a sense I wish I could quiet my thoughts and heal my heart from the past that has left me scarred yet I know my wounds are no longer bloody, I have forgiven and moved on.  But the mind, the brain never forgets.  It is so powerful.
I was once told that no matter what the situation is the grass is never truly greener on the other side.  I was a little girl.  In my teenage years I soon found out what that meant.  At the tender age of 16 or so, I felt like I knew everything.  In many ways I did.  I never knew what I didn't know would become everything I already knew yet multiplied.  If you focus your energy on what you truly want it will unfold itself in the utmost desired abundance.  Overflowing!!  It is so true.  It is the secret, but not such a secret when you've lived it your whole life.
How much of the energy can or should be put into the focus of the reality you want? 
It isn't about the amount of energy we pour into our desires, wants, needs even if our intentions are aligned to reflect and receive the most fruitful results.  It is about alignment of the frequency that which your intentions resonate at and with which the true focus and results lay.  It is about the alignment.  The balance of the light and darkness.  The love and hate.  Positive and negative.  It is all about the equilibrium where this energy exists, a wave that quivers at your resonating frequency ready for the alignment of your intention and great purpose.
I am all about energy.  I have so much more to learn though.  The learning is endless.  I welcome it. Just when I feel I've never felt more enlightened I feel a surge of deep darkness sucking me into the vortex.  And vice-versa.  After my most deepest darkest moments I awake the next day renewed and revived.  It's weird.  I know I do one thing.  I pray.  I cleanse.  Releasing everything.....

I've never been a physical type being.  Ever.  I sense people/humans more then I am able to convey in any human language and they don't even know it.  Well, maybe some do.  I appear to be just like you.  I am but I see!!  I see the true you, not the you that reflects when you see yourself in the mirror.
People walk by, talk to me briefly, hug me or a simple subtle touch can trigger an instant electricity, a scan and like an ex ray I see them at the core.  I wish I could control this. I want so much to be able to speak freely and say what I want to, what I feel or sense, what they should perhaps know but many times this knowledge I have rests dormant only in my thought, my mind and unspoken.  This knowledge scares people.  People judge and run away.  The world is afraid of the unknown.  Yet the awaken and enlighten ones seek to walk in the light of this knowledge.  I like those people.  They may not even know who I am, but I know who they are.  I cannot get enough of them. 
The human body is stained by pollution of worldly possession, by materialism and by everything that glitters.  I am not talking about shiny objects either.  The glitter is all around you.... it is fake.  The only real thing in this world is the light, darkness and our thoughts and visions.  Our projections are our only reality.

Maybe it is me that is jaded.  Maybe I am polluted too or maybe I am simply crazy.  I wish to runaway into the abyss to hide my naked body I want so much to free from this worldly stuff.  Yet I am strong.  I know I have much strength in me, even when I feel weak.  I have enough for for thousand stallions to get through the toughest, yet I can break with the gentlest breeze.  It's everything I know I am and everything I know I am not....
All I have is the sun and the moon, my dreams and myself in thoughts.  My spirit guides show me areas and facets of life only I know and seek and I don't need any medication.  Meditation frees my soul to soar and uncover the knowledge that speaks to me, the future I see so clearly and the people who are in it.  I cross paths with those who enlighten me and those from former lifetimes.  I crave to silence my thoughts and create peace and tranquility inside my soul.
There is a higher realm to all of us.  Seek to find yourself and you will uncover your true reflection, dreams, desires, goals and so many possible destinations.  Your journey is endless.  Do take the time to walk it, but stop for a moment once in a while and listen to everything unspoken....


Monday, May 6, 2013

Today is a good day...

Life is so fragile and so unpredictable. It's beautiful. With all of the magnificent glorious light and beauty, there is a profound deep darkness that exists. It's not any different then electricity. Both positive and negative must exist t...o create balance. You will never know your destination if you are not willing to live the journey. The sun is shining. Breathe deep and smile. Today is a good day because you have the gift to be alive.


Saturday, May 4, 2013

How much you like yourself....

"Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself"
Happy weekend lovers,