The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Hugs From Heaven

I woke up this morning and I was a bit chilly since all our windows were wide open to let the fresh air in.  I reached in the closet and grabbed grandpa's sweater that I have kept for sentimental reasons.  It hangs in our foyer closet as if he continues to exist and lives among us. It is one of the only material items such as a piece of clothing we have of him.  Kids came down the stairs to eat breakfast and Kendra immediately walked over and gave me a big hug.  She inhaled deep and smiled.  "Grandpa's sweater" she said, stroking it for a moment and reflecting.  Then Jake came down and he was smirking why I was wearing such old sweater and then even he realized.  "Grandpa's sweater" he said and re-hugged me even tighter with a bigger smile.

I then walked over to my hubby making breakfast for the kids and hugged him.  "Dad wanted to give you a hug today" and he just hugged me for a brief moment.  I could tell he got a bit emotional.

Even though it was a simple thing and gesture on my part.... it made me feel good that I made everyone around me feel good and gave hugs with grandpa's sweater.  Hugs from heaven.

As everyone scattered off to school and work I began cleaning the house knowing I have more work lined up once the house is clean.  As I stood there washing dishes, I was thinking about those hugs I gave today wearing grandpa's sweater and I wished for one big hug from my grandma.  I wished I had a piece of clothing I could put on, a scarf or something material.  I don't.

My thoughts wondered for a bit and then it happened again.  I got a call and the call display said Magdalena. That is my grandma's name.  How many people have this name in town?  What are the chances I get a call from such person?  It was a wrong number and the lady had a heavy accent.  I had goosebumps but good ones. I think it was my grandma sending me a hug across the land line wishing she could hug me too.  I got my material item.  A phone call from heaven because I wanted to give hugs from heaven using grandpa's sweater.  It's a full circle of heavenly hugs.  This is the 2nd time I had this happened to me.  Some time last year I woke up with a very heavy sad feeling missing my grandma and nearly 5 minutes later I received a phone call with the call display "Magdalena" and I nearly dropped the phone.  I know in my heart that our loved ones are with us.  They are just as real as if in flesh except we cannot see them.  They have the power to do great things and give us messages from beyond.
Tomorrow will be 3 years since my grandma's passing.  May is the month that I lost the most dearest to me. First dad (my amazing father-in-law) and he's been gone for 4 years on May 17th.  Then a year later I lost my grandma & tomorrow is her 3 year anniversary.  And this year I lost my good friend Tara.  I'd say that in those last 4 years I have undergone some of the most difficult times of my life.  The struggles and daily trials were so unfair and the burden of dealing with some unforeseen situations was so toxic to my health.  I've realized that the more difficult and heaviest of hardships are the biggest learning experiences of our life.  I cannot imagine not undergoing anything I ever have because I always take something positive out of it. Although surviving all of it is another story all together.  I count my blessings and never take things fore-granted.  
I truly feel that this 4 year cycle of a great learning curve is over.  I am so glad too.  It has put a different perspective onto my life and in every way with all that has happened I am still so very thankful I have undergone what I did.  Thankful for my lessons and thankful I was able to survive and overcome some very big hurdles and crawl out of some very deep and dark places. Which ever way I look at it, I'm a survivor.

Loving life and looking forward to the next chapter in my life.  Grandpa's sweater will always remain my metaphor for what it represents in this family.  "Fibers of great knowledge"  It was his favorite sweater & he will continue to give us his hugs from heaven.

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