The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Can you hear me dad...

For 13 years I've had the privilege to celebrate Christmases with you....  You were an amazing dad, father-in-law to me, gradpa to your gorgeous gradkids, father to Anthony always -- he misses you so even if he doesn't say it I feel it.  How can I do this Christmas without you? 

I got all emotional today not being able to buy a gift for you & watch you open it up as you always got so happy like a little kiddo awaiting what it could be.  It's not any different then anticipating joy in my kids faces & they mean the world to me.  So did you.  Your smile would let me know you liked what I got.  No words needed to be exchanged, except how you cleared your throat while getting a little glossy eyed, so humbled that we thought about you & then just your power hugs that nearly squished my lungs would be my confirmation of your gratefulness.  You were amazing.  Do you know that?

God I miss you!!  I miss those hugs. There are no words to describe what I feel right now.  Even though you are Anthony's dad, you imprinted onto my heart like my own father & I miss you every day, especially when I have my cup of coffee in the mornings.  I talk to you do you know that?  I sit in your spot at the kitchen island on the days I miss you the most & can't shake it off... waiting for your nudge & then I smile.  I can almost hear you say "you decided to sit in my spot today did ya?"  It rings in my ears like a calming melody.... your voice.

Perhaps it is silly I am so emotional as it will be 2 years in May that you are gone... but your presence is felt always.  You are so missed especially at this time of the year. 

Sometimes I ask you a question hoping I will hear something ..... anything.  I see a twinkle in the room and I immediately think it's you.  The kids talk to you too.  They tell you they love you all the time & how much they miss you and they carry that flat extreeme grandpa Darcy got for us everywhere.  Do you know that you have been to all their games, concerts & award ceremonies?

They ask you to join them in photos I take of them and there are countless orbs we have in so many pics.  We hope it's you. 

We have you in tons of framed photographs we admire and today of all days -- especially an emotional day for me, Kendra finally finished a snowflake she's been working on for a while.  She said, It's finally done mom.  Let's hang it on the tree for grandpa.  I nearly choked on my tears.

We put it onto your frame we admire daily in your library room you enjoyed so much and where we lite a candle for your eternal peaceful journey.

The truth is -- you have never left.  You are still here.  We feel you, we sense you & we speak of you.  We talk to you, we talk about you, we joke, we bicker, we blame you for things broken hahaha, we ask you how we could do something when we are stuck, we ask you to help us find things you have put away, we laugh at your jokes you've told us & the memories are so cherished daily of all those stories you've told. You have taught us so much and your gentle face & your soft yet booming voice is very much missed.

When I think of you .... my tears flow like a flood gate and my heart quivers, throat swells and I cover my face with my hands for a moment as I feel an urge to burst into endless tears.  I miss you more then you will ever know.....  I love you dad.  Can you hear me?


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