The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Bleeding LOVE

For most people in my life, it may appear as if I have this amazing perfect little life and most of the time I feel like I do but like anything else it comes at a huge cost.  My sanity & my health.  I’ve had a year of hell (with many priceless & amazing moments if I may add)  Maintaining life is a big job & being a grown up a huge responsibility.  Kids, working, business, stress, bills, house, cars, friends, family, keeping everything ticking in order & keeping everyone happy isn’t always easy. 

I write, because it allows my heart to heal.  It’s just one of my means of expressions.  Just like now, I take few moments and pour my heart into my fingertips and the letters add up to words and the lines form sentences and before I know my tears flow, my heart pours out and blogs and poems are published. 

My writing is never usually about anyone specific.  Sometimes I get emails asking if such & such email was about them.  My answer is always the same.  No.  I’ve been accused of horrible crimes of writing garbage about people on Facebook in the past, well one specific person & perhaps my one article about a “frienemy” explains it the best.  That is the only time where if this one specific person was to read my article, they would know smack in the face that it is about them, only because I don't have a pen name and it is me publishing it.  It was written with a purpose for my heart to heal, my mind & heart to let go of everything and my soul to move on and continue.  That was then, this is now.....

The truth is, I write about feelings.  If I have anything to say to anyone – I respect them to tell them to their face, my true feelings that is.  It is a hell of lot more dignifying & respectable to be honest then publish articles about ill feelings towards anyone.  People can't handle the truth.  You says it, they run no matter how polite you are.  However, we cannot change people & their insecurities.  Perhaps they have been tarnished by others & judge humans solely based on unresolved issues within themselves.  Not everyone is the same, just sayin'.......

Please stop being paranoid and please continue your beautiful journey with peace knowing I don’t gossip nor write about you specifically.  Whoever you are.  Most people who take the time to get to know me – know me & trust that.  They know the true me, with no camouflaged dirty cover image that needs to be dusted off.  I am who I am & am what you see & underneath my clothes lies still me, only naked!!  I hide no scales, horns or fur, I have no claws, no tail, nor a slithery tongue. 

All of this - it all stems into trust.  Do people really trust you or trust themselves that they are in fact conducting themselves in the highest standards in reflections to the individual who they are trying to have a relationship with?  You.  Or, does it just feels comfortable to try to squeeze into a group or form a group to protect thyself from the deepest wounds.  Being open with one friend, only to have that person crush you.  People hide behind people.  They hide behind work, whatever it is.  They make excuses.  Those who want to get to know you, DO!

I pour my heart and soul into absolutely everything I do, writing, photography, paintings, contacts I make and people I try so hard to get to know.  Everyone is different.  Everyone is unique in their own special way.  It would be boring otherwise.  I extend my both arms & throw in two feet going into everything head & heart first.  I am a people lover.  

Perhaps, my lessons that I am suppose to learn here on earth haven’t even began to be tapped into, who knows but I know this much.  I get hurt all the time & I continue to seek the love I know my heart & soul is worth.  It is in you.  It is in me, it's in everyone.  I find everyone beautiful.  I find everyone worthy of my love.  When you feel like you are worthless, on the edge of wanting to simply die, don't.  You are perfect to me.  It isn't any different then the man I married.  Amazing feeling when you find your soul mate & you are proven daily he loves, trusts & cherishes you, even after 15 years.  Praying for this, knowing that I would have this absolute love wasn't easy.  But I trusted.  I knew I was worthy.....

People are harsh, they form judgements.  They listen to others and form opinions based on lies, deceit & shameful gossip not knowing the entire story or people.  Or, they just simply choose to take sides.  It’s society.  Everyone does it, so it’s hard to listen to that inner voice that gives you many different paths & gently whispers – look this way.  People are driven by appearances.  A bubblier person cute as a button can't really be that bad?

I don't want pity friendships.  It is not why I'm writing this.  I do honestly have absolutely amazing one of kind friendships with a handful of blessings.  My friends mean the world to me.  I prefer quality over quantity and always have treasured the few close friendships I've been so very lucky to build.  What I am perhaps trying to say is that I meet people all the time, but for me to open up and let a person into my heart takes courage and a chance on my part.  When I do this, I rarely find another me.  When I feel excited & find someone who resembles me, in terms of quality, high standards, loyalty, etc. I simply want more of them.  And, as my hubby has so eloquently put it in terms for me once, sometimes the answer the universe says is NO.  No matter how much you want it.  If it's meant to be it will be and if it's not, well, that speaks for itself.

We all have guides and the inner voice inside us for a peaceful way of living, unless you’re nothing but an evil entity with a fake shell that you possessed ages ago for the world to see.  If that’s the case, I’m sorry but you’re totally fucked!  Pardon me…..  I eliminate people like this from my life.  At one point I could see right through them, it's that gut feeling that sometimes you can't place your finger on but leaves you in knots & red flags are raised.  You want to see the beauty in them and you do, but the horns are there.  You even see the tail and yet you still go for more.  You still don't believe it, because you don't allow yourself to feel those negative feelings towards another being.  And, then it happens.  No explanations needed and necessary.  You know you're done.  Life is seriously too precious and absolutely beautiful to allow myself to be polluted by garbage of society & evil conduct of others.  I don't try to fit into any one's little secret circle.  If I want to I form my own... I do.

I’ve always held people on a pedestal until a time comes where I cannot keep it supported any longer & the mere foundations of it begins to break down & fold in on it's own.  I’ve fallen myself way too many times only to find myself full of dust, broken tears & bleeding love.  That's life.  Thank goodness I haven’t been on anyone’s pedestal yet because I think I might just get a case of dizzies since I'm afraid of heights.  I’m being totally sarcastic here of course.  I know for one, my hubby cherishes me and the tree ornament from my mom this year said she counts her blessings twice when she counts me.  So I know I'm loved beyond words.  I know & trust that I too am on someone’s pedestal (a friend) & work hard to maintain a case of balance with my honesty, loyalty & healthy trust to that individual.  Unless that person is someone you have no control over how, when & why they choose to be nasty towards you and you have no place to run because no matter where you go, they will find you to take out their anger at you.

I was always taught, that when life or circumstance or a person smacks you dead in the face – you simply offer up the other cheek. 

If people can be capable of allowing themselves to feel animosity towards you & do cruel things that leave you heartbroken, keep your composure.  YOU are strong!  It is them who will feel the shame in the end, not you.  Truth always finds a way to explode eventually, the more people try to hide it, the more it bubbles to the surface.  Don't worry about gossip.  If they choose to gossip about you remember this, "birds peck at the best fruit" so smile and mind your way. 

I don’t fight fire with fire.  Never have.  I’m not a coward either, I was just taught the wisdom of a more gentler & peaceful warrior way.  Water is gentle and may ease the flame & perhaps I should learn but I am an observer & love to watch people.  I take it all in.  It is one way I learn.

Those who are scared to return love, run.  I know that I kill people with my kindness.  Many times, I think I'm a sucker.  Perhaps I should be use to it by now, but I'm not.  It always hurts the same way.  I know I matter & it is to the people who matter to me the most.  That's what matters to me.  I am irreplaceable.  I'm one of a kind, unique, fun, bubble, quirky, loving, carrying, compassionate...... only to my children.  They see & feel me with such unconditional love & tenderness.  My true, little, most loyal friends.

I've had one person in my life for 32 years.  This person has gashed me, stabbed me, betrayed me, razored me with words of hate, envy, disgust, blame, poisoned others against me & yet I can & do say " I LOVE YOU" & wish you well with peace, love & only kindness unfolding upon you.  This Christmas wasn't any different. 

Why are people so scared & shielded to love, fully, beautifully and unconditionally? Why are they petrified of the ones who are nice & kind people, truly worthy of a little tenderness, compassion, honesty & love?  I am a person just like you.  A human, worthy of a little chance to get to know.  You may actually like me if you allow yourself to open up & feel.  You don't have to be related to me to hold me at a pedestal.  You don't need to know the colour of my skin, my eyes, the colour of my hair, if my skin is flawless or not, what my boob, waist & shoe size is, what my style is, where I went to school, if I was or wasn't popular, what car I drive, how much money is in my bank account, what my age is, what others think of me.... none of that matters. 
I keep bleeding love…… isn't that enough?


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