The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Friday, May 31, 2013

I am Sentient 5261492

Truthfully, I have no idea what this means.  Like I mean zero idea.  Even just sitting down why am I here writing this but I am.  Maybe it will come to me.  The numbers and the dreams are vivid just like the flesh I can pinch on myself and sense that I exist.   It's only flesh.  I am invisible.

It has been few years since I awaken from a dream literally yelling out the numbers repeatedly in this precise sequence.  It hasn't been until few years later that I combined the sentient being with the number sequence.  Again awaking in middle of the night, jotting down few words and falling back asleep.  I am starting to believe it is fitting the criteria of something from a science fiction novel and I cannot even believe it is in any way related to me and my life.  But it is.  I would love nothing more then to figure out this puzzle.  Or have I?

I've researched the web in regards to the numbers and have come up with some of the most fascinating results which I wouldn't even know where to begin to describe.  It's information on certain DNA sequence, secret military stuff, to unique compositions of chemicals and studies, etc.  I mean this info isn't all straight forward when you Google it.  You have to dig into records and fish things out of a ponds full of mud and muck and dig below the surface.

All I know is that 5261492 is directly linked to me.  Somehow, some way I will experience these numbers first hand in this lifetime.  I've even thought of the population decrease should there be a cataclysmic event, would this be the number of people left in the world?  Could this be my call number to go into hiding?  Ahh -- the brain of an artist.  The things it comes up with is mind blowing, literally. 

For now I will call myself Sentient 5261492.  When the word sentient appeared in my dream and I wrote it down during the night, I had to look up the meaning of it the next day.  My vocabulary is quite extensive especially for an immigrant but I still come across words, pretty much daily that I have to look up. 

If there was ever a time for me to feel like I belong into the quantum of mechanics it is now.  Again a word that I didn't even understand not too long ago. 

There comes a time during my deep state meditation where I feel completely numb to my own body and feel like I am almost at a pulsating state of consciousness.  It is at this time I feel like a single molecule of existence.  So tiny indeed, feeling the weight of the surrounding forces, still breathing but the air feels heavy as it fills my lungs only about 4 times in a minute, and I feel so unstable in terms of the vibrational wave that the slightest miscalculation on my part could have me rapture into an infinity of subatomic particles.  It is at this time I feel absolute peace and contentment.  It doesn't even make sense to me what I feel and how small I am but I know precisely everything that matters in those few moments I am able to stabilize and exist in.  How small we are as humans in this colossal entire existence of the cosmos, galaxies and entire universe.  I don't even think people allow themselves to go into places like this in their heads.

I have changed so much over the years.  Some days I don't even know who I am yet I know exactly who looks back at me from behind my eyes.  I dislike mirrors.  Only because I am trapped in this body.  Human body that which restricts my abilities.  I am a fragment of God.  So are you.  All living existence is.

I am still changing and will continue as long as I keep breathing and awaking each day.  I am here on a mission to learn and experience life.  My purpose is to breathe oxygen, intake water and food for nourishment and allow my brain to expand and learn the ways of evolutionary milliseconds.  Each tiny moment in our life is significant.  Each breath we take is a gift and gets us closer to the destination of the journey we are here to take.  I communicate daily with other beings craving to find another one like me.  Perhaps a different code.  I have hope I will find one.

On the most part people fail me.  The human race is beautiful yet constantly affected by fears and controlled by their subconsciousness.  It feels almost like a collective colony of misfiring wires, all connected to a central system short circuiting.

I am sentient 5261492 and I am here to learn, love, experience, taste, break, breathe, expand, repair, evolve and multiply.  In flesh, I am a female although what resides inside below the flesh has no specific sex yet it has all.  I am luminous and incandescent.   My light is blinding to the naked eye.  I am all living and breathing things and elements.  They exist inside of me, outside of me and I collect important information in terms of existence.  I seek knowledge and love.  I've learn to crave human contact.  I enjoy tastes and find pleasure in the colour spectrum.

From observations, people fear me or love me.  There is a balance but they fear the unknown.  Human race is fragile and disposable to each other.  Their evolutionary leap takes effect in extreme measures of heightened senses.  They are effected by great sadness. 

There are laws yet there is a flaw in executions of these laws.  They are fragile too. There is no structure within the balance and equilibrium.  It is in a constant tilt.  It is a faulty existence yet perfect.  There is structure in the chaos of relevance. 

Earth is in crucial need of repair.  It has reached a crisis point of no return.  It is cleansing to destroy and renew.  It is at it's death and birth simultaneously.  It is in a paradox of mortality.

5261492 out!

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