Farewell 2011

Thank you to all my clients, friends and family for an amazing year.  The friendships & relationships I've built are very precious to me.  I appreciate everyone for allowing me the opportunity to capture your beautiful memories into priceless keepsakes.   May your new year 2012 be a fabulous one with your beautiful families and friends.  All the very best. 

Love,
Janette

Bleeding LOVE

For most people in my life, it may appear as if I have this amazing perfect little life and most of the time I feel like I do but like anything else it comes at a huge cost.  My sanity & my health.  I’ve had a year of hell (with many priceless & amazing moments if I may add)  Maintaining life is a big job & being a grown up a huge responsibility.  Kids, working, business, stress, bills, house, cars, friends, family, keeping everything ticking in order & keeping everyone happy isn’t always easy. 

I write, because it allows my heart to heal.  It’s just one of my means of expressions.  Just like now, I take few moments and pour my heart into my fingertips and the letters add up to words and the lines form sentences and before I know my tears flow, my heart pours out and blogs and poems are published. 

My writing is never usually about anyone specific.  Sometimes I get emails asking if such & such email was about them.  My answer is always the same.  No.  I’ve been accused of horrible crimes of writing garbage about people on Facebook in the past, well one specific person & perhaps my one article about a “frienemy” explains it the best.  That is the only time where if this one specific person was to read my article, they would know smack in the face that it is about them, only because I don't have a pen name and it is me publishing it.  It was written with a purpose for my heart to heal, my mind & heart to let go of everything and my soul to move on and continue.  That was then, this is now.....

The truth is, I write about feelings.  If I have anything to say to anyone – I respect them to tell them to their face, my true feelings that is.  It is a hell of lot more dignifying & respectable to be honest then publish articles about ill feelings towards anyone.  People can't handle the truth.  You says it, they run no matter how polite you are.  However, we cannot change people & their insecurities.  Perhaps they have been tarnished by others & judge humans solely based on unresolved issues within themselves.  Not everyone is the same, just sayin'.......

Please stop being paranoid and please continue your beautiful journey with peace knowing I don’t gossip nor write about you specifically.  Whoever you are.  Most people who take the time to get to know me – know me & trust that.  They know the true me, with no camouflaged dirty cover image that needs to be dusted off.  I am who I am & am what you see & underneath my clothes lies still me, only naked!!  I hide no scales, horns or fur, I have no claws, no tail, nor a slithery tongue. 

All of this - it all stems into trust.  Do people really trust you or trust themselves that they are in fact conducting themselves in the highest standards in reflections to the individual who they are trying to have a relationship with?  You.  Or, does it just feels comfortable to try to squeeze into a group or form a group to protect thyself from the deepest wounds.  Being open with one friend, only to have that person crush you.  People hide behind people.  They hide behind work, whatever it is.  They make excuses.  Those who want to get to know you, DO!

I pour my heart and soul into absolutely everything I do, writing, photography, paintings, contacts I make and people I try so hard to get to know.  Everyone is different.  Everyone is unique in their own special way.  It would be boring otherwise.  I extend my both arms & throw in two feet going into everything head & heart first.  I am a people lover.  

Perhaps, my lessons that I am suppose to learn here on earth haven’t even began to be tapped into, who knows but I know this much.  I get hurt all the time & I continue to seek the love I know my heart & soul is worth.  It is in you.  It is in me, it's in everyone.  I find everyone beautiful.  I find everyone worthy of my love.  When you feel like you are worthless, on the edge of wanting to simply die, don't.  You are perfect to me.  It isn't any different then the man I married.  Amazing feeling when you find your soul mate & you are proven daily he loves, trusts & cherishes you, even after 15 years.  Praying for this, knowing that I would have this absolute love wasn't easy.  But I trusted.  I knew I was worthy.....

People are harsh, they form judgements.  They listen to others and form opinions based on lies, deceit & shameful gossip not knowing the entire story or people.  Or, they just simply choose to take sides.  It’s society.  Everyone does it, so it’s hard to listen to that inner voice that gives you many different paths & gently whispers – look this way.  People are driven by appearances.  A bubblier person cute as a button can't really be that bad?

I don't want pity friendships.  It is not why I'm writing this.  I do honestly have absolutely amazing one of kind friendships with a handful of blessings.  My friends mean the world to me.  I prefer quality over quantity and always have treasured the few close friendships I've been so very lucky to build.  What I am perhaps trying to say is that I meet people all the time, but for me to open up and let a person into my heart takes courage and a chance on my part.  When I do this, I rarely find another me.  When I feel excited & find someone who resembles me, in terms of quality, high standards, loyalty, etc. I simply want more of them.  And, as my hubby has so eloquently put it in terms for me once, sometimes the answer the universe says is NO.  No matter how much you want it.  If it's meant to be it will be and if it's not, well, that speaks for itself.

We all have guides and the inner voice inside us for a peaceful way of living, unless you’re nothing but an evil entity with a fake shell that you possessed ages ago for the world to see.  If that’s the case, I’m sorry but you’re totally fucked!  Pardon me…..  I eliminate people like this from my life.  At one point I could see right through them, it's that gut feeling that sometimes you can't place your finger on but leaves you in knots & red flags are raised.  You want to see the beauty in them and you do, but the horns are there.  You even see the tail and yet you still go for more.  You still don't believe it, because you don't allow yourself to feel those negative feelings towards another being.  And, then it happens.  No explanations needed and necessary.  You know you're done.  Life is seriously too precious and absolutely beautiful to allow myself to be polluted by garbage of society & evil conduct of others.  I don't try to fit into any one's little secret circle.  If I want to I form my own... I do.

I’ve always held people on a pedestal until a time comes where I cannot keep it supported any longer & the mere foundations of it begins to break down & fold in on it's own.  I’ve fallen myself way too many times only to find myself full of dust, broken tears & bleeding love.  That's life.  Thank goodness I haven’t been on anyone’s pedestal yet because I think I might just get a case of dizzies since I'm afraid of heights.  I’m being totally sarcastic here of course.  I know for one, my hubby cherishes me and the tree ornament from my mom this year said she counts her blessings twice when she counts me.  So I know I'm loved beyond words.  I know & trust that I too am on someone’s pedestal (a friend) & work hard to maintain a case of balance with my honesty, loyalty & healthy trust to that individual.  Unless that person is someone you have no control over how, when & why they choose to be nasty towards you and you have no place to run because no matter where you go, they will find you to take out their anger at you.

I was always taught, that when life or circumstance or a person smacks you dead in the face – you simply offer up the other cheek. 

If people can be capable of allowing themselves to feel animosity towards you & do cruel things that leave you heartbroken, keep your composure.  YOU are strong!  It is them who will feel the shame in the end, not you.  Truth always finds a way to explode eventually, the more people try to hide it, the more it bubbles to the surface.  Don't worry about gossip.  If they choose to gossip about you remember this, "birds peck at the best fruit" so smile and mind your way. 

I don’t fight fire with fire.  Never have.  I’m not a coward either, I was just taught the wisdom of a more gentler & peaceful warrior way.  Water is gentle and may ease the flame & perhaps I should learn but I am an observer & love to watch people.  I take it all in.  It is one way I learn.

Those who are scared to return love, run.  I know that I kill people with my kindness.  Many times, I think I'm a sucker.  Perhaps I should be use to it by now, but I'm not.  It always hurts the same way.  I know I matter & it is to the people who matter to me the most.  That's what matters to me.  I am irreplaceable.  I'm one of a kind, unique, fun, bubble, quirky, loving, carrying, compassionate...... only to my children.  They see & feel me with such unconditional love & tenderness.  My true, little, most loyal friends.

I've had one person in my life for 32 years.  This person has gashed me, stabbed me, betrayed me, razored me with words of hate, envy, disgust, blame, poisoned others against me & yet I can & do say " I LOVE YOU" & wish you well with peace, love & only kindness unfolding upon you.  This Christmas wasn't any different. 

Why are people so scared & shielded to love, fully, beautifully and unconditionally? Why are they petrified of the ones who are nice & kind people, truly worthy of a little tenderness, compassion, honesty & love?  I am a person just like you.  A human, worthy of a little chance to get to know.  You may actually like me if you allow yourself to open up & feel.  You don't have to be related to me to hold me at a pedestal.  You don't need to know the colour of my skin, my eyes, the colour of my hair, if my skin is flawless or not, what my boob, waist & shoe size is, what my style is, where I went to school, if I was or wasn't popular, what car I drive, how much money is in my bank account, what my age is, what others think of me.... none of that matters. 

I keep bleeding love…… isn't that enough?

xox

Janette

What's bugging you today?

An experience like no other happened to me couple of weeks ago.  I decided to write about it because I feel it has a purpose that I am not aware of yet. Or does it?

I was meeting a networking contact for coffee at our local Harmony square coffee pub.  I had no idea what he looked like in real life as I've never met him.  His name is Shayne McIntyre, ACN.  I got to the coffee house as we agreed upon and bought a coffee.   I sat there patiently awaiting him looking around to see who walked in through the door.   I've connected with him on Facebook but you can't really tell from those photos what a person looks like.

There were two other similar looking men sitting in the pub.  One in each corner of the room.  After about half hour as I watched these two specific men observe me, I walked over to one of them asking him if he was Shayne.  He looked at me and politely said "no mam, sorry"....  & so forth I repeated this in the other section of the room. 

I walked over to the counter and asked the ladies if a guy named Shayne visited the premises often or was looking for me.  They replied "no, sorry" but we'll let you know if he does.  At this point I felt like I was stood up & this wasn't even a date. 

Surprised that neither one of these men were the person I was suppose to meet or anyone heard of him, I casually walked out onto the patio overlooking the skating rink.  It was a brisk morning.  I was done my coffee and so I decided to leave.  At first I thought if the universe is playing a joke on me that morning, but I smiled and off I went home. 

When I arrived, Shayne has called me few minutes after apologizing for being late.   Then I got even more suspicious.... "did he see me leave?" I thought. 

He politely asked me to meet if it wasn't too awkward & so I agreed to go back.  I surprised myself too. 

When I walked in, I immediately noticed who he was and his real face wasn't that far off from the Facebook photo.  You just never know with these things & I've never done this before. 

We sat down and he introduced me his line of work and we began chatting about so many topics.  It was an interesting conversation and before I knew an hour went by.  Then something unusual happened. 

Out of the blue, this man walks over to our cozy little corner with this ridiculous beaded looking wire bug that looked similar to a mosquito on what appeared to be a yo yo string.  Odd looking thing.  He politely asked if I could watch his bug for a minute while he grabbed a coffee.  Jokingly I asked if it will fly away if I don't watch it & that's when it started. 

Meet Leonard. 

AND meet Leonard's Bug.

Now for those who know me I love nothing more then to laugh.  These quirky things do happen to me & I love it when the universe makes me burst into uncontrollable laughter.  I should know better by now, but this sort of thing hasn't happened to me for quite some time and took me totally by surprise.

As Leonard who actually politely introduces himself as he plays his ukulele with a twisted bizarre song that he just made up I'm sure of it..... he also hands me his business card.  He said he was an artist so I immediately connected the artist's mind to the way he was behaving and thought nothing more then that this odd man had oodles of energy and zest for life like I've never seen.  There is something to be learned from all this. 

Now while I was reaching for his card, tons of things crossed my mind.  Is this card safe to touch, am I going too far along with this, should I politely say we (Shayne and myself) are in a conversation as this person was sort of interrupting our time.  As I thought all these things & the fact Leonard was sort of "bugging" me in better lack of terms.... I looked on the card to read his credentials and nearly peed peed my pants. 

It had his full name, his email address and with big bold letters "WHAT"S BUGGING YOU TODAY" on it.  I would have loved to see my face when I saw that, the card, the words... I was shocked, surprised.... I laughed until tears came out.

Unbelievable I thought.  Now if that's not an instant manifestation I don't know what is.  My good friend Julie Coombs introduced me to the concept of manifestations few years ago along with the Secret.  I wasn't even aware how powerful we truly are until the Secret came out & I realized I've been living my life the way of it and didn't even know it.  Anyways.... back to the story.

As Leonard proceeded to grab himself a coffee I knew this visit will be quite lengthy as he had an amazing amount of energy and I thought oh boy, here we go.  At this point I wasn't in a much hurry but I saw Shayne was too a little uncomfortable as we both didn't know what's next.  Leonard commented about my appearance and that there was something special about me & my aura.  I jokingly asked if it was glowing a shade of "welcome, come sit with us, we love small talk with strange men & odd looking bug things" and he politely said YES, with those big brown eyes. 

Leonard was full of surprises, showing us how this bug moves up and down and how it's his business card holder with Velcro tabs and how he breaks the ice so cleverly to start conversations with folks.  Then he pointed out it was a mosquito and how they kill so many people a year and how he has a business plan on making more of them in many different colours.  He spoke of the world and how he saw it & we listened.  His translation of the society and how everyone on the planet is botherred "bugged" by something every day and no matter how small it is, it's huge to them.  Hence the size of his squitto.  I was actually quite blown away at this man's wit, bravery, intelligence, nutty personality but so intriguing in every way.  In my head, I'm thinking "Bravo dude, you're quite brilliant" & he is, yet on the edge of something I can't put my finger on quite yet.  Aren't all brilliant people slightly on the edge?  Was I entertaining the thought  that if I say he's a weirdo, totally out there a nut bar - I'm infact judging him.  Yes.  I did my best to put that out of my mind and just enjoyed this unfolding event whole-heartedly.

His business card stated he was an artist so I asked him what he does.  He assured me he is in fact an artist and that he'll be teaching 4 classes in the upcoming year in our downtown so I am sure to follow up with that. 

Another half hour has passed with so much information told by Leonard at which point Shayne began making his exit very politely and I wasn't staying alone with Leonard so we both excused ourselves to depart the pub.   We shook hands outside and were in disbelief actually what has just happened chuckling at it light heartedly. 

Leonard had left quite an imprint I have to say.  I think about that meeting & what it could possibly signify & how it fits into my day that day.  Was it just a nutty day all around with the quirky universe showing me to loosen up & not be so serious?  I'd like to think a little both and that the purpose of Leonard & meeting him will unravel in the coming months.  Perhaps it fits into the story of Shayne & my meeting with him and our first unusual meeting, that is yet to be pursued in further meetings of the entire group he's constructed, where my friend Robyn Dargie - Arbonne's District Manager also attends on Tuesdays.

For now, I will never take the question of "what's bugging you today" with the same casual thought.  I will always think of Leonard.  And with that said, everyone has a purpose & a meaning even if they don't know it, even if these people are on an edge of "out there" & cast aways by the normal standards of society.  What is normal anyways?

So.... I only have one more question.  What's bugging you today?

xoxoxox

Janette

Can you hear me dad...

For 13 years I've had the privilege to celebrate Christmases with you....  You were an amazing dad, father-in-law to me, gradpa to your gorgeous gradkids, father to Anthony always -- he misses you so even if he doesn't say it I feel it.  How can I do this Christmas without you? 

I got all emotional today not being able to buy a gift for you & watch you open it up as you always got so happy like a little kiddo awaiting what it could be.  It's not any different then anticipating joy in my kids faces & they mean the world to me.  So did you.  Your smile would let me know you liked what I got.  No words needed to be exchanged, except how you cleared your throat while getting a little glossy eyed, so humbled that we thought about you & then just your power hugs that nearly squished my lungs would be my confirmation of your gratefulness.  You were amazing.  Do you know that?

God I miss you!!  I miss those hugs. There are no words to describe what I feel right now.  Even though you are Anthony's dad, you imprinted onto my heart like my own father & I miss you every day, especially when I have my cup of coffee in the mornings.  I talk to you do you know that?  I sit in your spot at the kitchen island on the days I miss you the most & can't shake it off... waiting for your nudge & then I smile.  I can almost hear you say "you decided to sit in my spot today did ya?"  It rings in my ears like a calming melody.... your voice.

Perhaps it is silly I am so emotional as it will be 2 years in May that you are gone... but your presence is felt always.  You are so missed especially at this time of the year. 

Sometimes I ask you a question hoping I will hear something ..... anything.  I see a twinkle in the room and I immediately think it's you.  The kids talk to you too.  They tell you they love you all the time & how much they miss you and they carry that flat extreeme grandpa Darcy got for us everywhere.  Do you know that you have been to all their games, concerts & award ceremonies?

They ask you to join them in photos I take of them and there are countless orbs we have in so many pics.  We hope it's you. 

We have you in tons of framed photographs we admire and today of all days -- especially an emotional day for me, Kendra finally finished a snowflake she's been working on for a while.  She said, It's finally done mom.  Let's hang it on the tree for grandpa.  I nearly choked on my tears.

We put it onto your frame we admire daily in your library room you enjoyed so much and where we lite a candle for your eternal peaceful journey.

The truth is -- you have never left.  You are still here.  We feel you, we sense you & we speak of you.  We talk to you, we talk about you, we joke, we bicker, we blame you for things broken hahaha, we ask you how we could do something when we are stuck, we ask you to help us find things you have put away, we laugh at your jokes you've told us & the memories are so cherished daily of all those stories you've told. You have taught us so much and your gentle face & your soft yet booming voice is very much missed.

When I think of you .... my tears flow like a flood gate and my heart quivers, throat swells and I cover my face with my hands for a moment as I feel an urge to burst into endless tears.  I miss you more then you will ever know.....  I love you dad.  Can you hear me?

Love,
Janette

Thank you for the "Thank Yous" ♥

Another beautiful Monday yesterday full of opportunities for the beautiful week ahead and I received another surprise in the morning. 

 I received a mystery flower basket that made me smile from ear to ear.  Assuming at first it was from my hubby when I called the lady at Passmore's Flowers to see who sent it & her reply was the gentleman said that I would know.  Ahem.  Yes, of course - thank you, I said with a slight confusion, while still trying to figure it out.

It wasn't till later in the evening that I discoverred it wasn't my hubby who sent me such a beautiful flower arrangement, but he was puzzled as well. So it was still unsolved until I received a phone call from a friend of mine who whole heartedly thanked me for all that I have done for him in the year. 

It is such a nice guesture and thoughtful thing to do, when people take the time to show gratitude. Thank you to all who love & appreciate me and take the time for showing me in any way.  It means so much to me.

Love,
Janette

Can death be asleep when life is but a dream....

Can death be sleep, when life is but a dream,

and scenes of bliss pass as a phantom by?

The transient pleasures as a vision seem,

and yet we think the greatest pain's to die.

How strange it is that man on earth should roam,

and lead a life of woe, but not forsake

his rugged path; nor dare he view alone

his future doom which is but to awake.

John Keats

Sometimes - we get surprises when we least expect them.  I appreciate & absolutely love all the surprises my babe sends/ gives me.  They may not happen very often but when they do, they leave an imprint.... He knows how much I love poetry.  xox