The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Trust me....

Betrayal is like a bullet.  Bullet straight to your heart.  It kills you instatly and if it doesn't, the scars of it will remind you of the gaping hole that once nearly made you bleed to death.  Betrayal doesn't happen if you don't trust.  I'm sticking to that.

I'm so sick of people telling me that I can trust them.  Fresh new people in my life, who know nothing about me, cute fun bubbly folks who appear like they could become your new best friend. 

Trust is so hard to give.  I use to trust anyone and everyone.  Not anymore.  I was taught by my grandma that trust is something that has to be earned.  Trust is not free.  It comes at a price of your heart & soul being betrayed and hurts like nothing else when the trust is broken.  I'm not just talking old lovers, boyfriends & fallen friendships.  It's about stupid things that people do that breaks the trust & leaves you with no foundation to build upon.

I wish I could trust more.  But the evidence is so clear I cannot.  The words "trust me" are overused and abused.  The world and people in it are full of "white" lies, dark secrets & gossip.  It's sickening.  They maintain relations with people who may have hurt you in the past, or know of people who stabbed you and it's nothing short of a conduit for disaster.  Why make myself more vulnerable?  Yes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, but what do you call a friend of my enemy?

Meet my grandma.  My hero.  My friend.

She is now far from this God forsaken world on a new journey of transformation.  God I miss her.  She was my light, my friend, my confidant... she is now my angel.  I could tell her anything, even if it was bad or a deep dark secret.  She would never judge me, she would never ever hurt me.  She would cry with me, laugh with me, get silly & foolish.  She could be a grown up & she could be a kid just like me.  I trusted her with my life.  I talk to her all the time still.   A while ago I wrote a poem about her called Heroes

When my father use to beat the crap out of me, I would tell her everything the next day.  She would know because my eyes have died a little over night & the sparkle was gone she'd say.  I was her "star" and she'd say the star wasn't shining today.   As my spirit would break a little with each beating.  Not to mention the bruises she'd see.  She hated him for it.  They never got along.  She was wild & brave like a tiger and would jump at him to try to scratch out his eyeballs when he hurt me.  He hated her too.  I was always scared to tell her because I didn't want her to get hurt like I saw my mom get hurt when she stood up for me in the many beatings, my poor mommy she sure got her share.... but I would eventually spill everything.  It always came out.

She was the best grandma a child could ask for.  She hardly ever said no to me, and as a matter of fact she hardly used the word with anyone.  Everything was possible, everything was a yes and there was always a way to do anything you put your mind into.  She baked & cooked anything my heart desired.  She was amazing.  I'm so missing those warm nurturing hugs filled with light and energy. Her gentle eyes told a life story.  She could touch your hand & you would feel transformed instantly.  There was a natural sweet delicious scent about her, she always smelled so good like a sugar plum.

She taught me all I know about life and I honestly think I'm a lot like her.  Passionate, loving, honest, gentle with humans yet to the core absolutely misunderstood by people because they have life issues higher then them.  One thing I cannot do is trust people anymore.  It takes a special person for me to trust.

People are scared of people who are nice, they judge them, they are cautious.  They don't trust you but ask that you trust them.  I think society has taken a piece of each human and turned it into a weapon.  A mass self-destructive way of thinking, feeling and seeing.   It has created channels for vanity & physicality with all surface facades. Us.  People.  Robots.  We are so much more then the fleshy matter, underneath, fragile, vulnerable, bleeding, loving, crying, wanting nothing else then to be loved.

My care, compassion, integrity, love & loyalty I am capable of disbursing always comes at a price.  They all have a residual dust of trust in it.  People use that.  I think my father broke me.  He broke my heart.  He broke my mind & soul.  He took the twinkle out of my eyes.  I like to think he didn't break my spirit though.

People are such takers & fakers.  They take that initial spark that may interest them in you at first, learn whatever if anything from you & then you're disposable.  So it seems.  Maybe I'm harsh.... but it sure feels like that sometimes.  People have stories to tell, blogs to write, poems to publish..... it never ends.  As much as a person is honest and you think you may actually trust them because they are in fact one of the most honest people you've met, doesn't mean you can trust them.  Honesty does not equal trust.  You can be honest, but are you trustworthy?

I keep to myself.  I trust no one.  I am at times social but always cautious.  My super tiny trust list consists of my heavenly angel grandma, my very much loved mother & my amazing husband.  Everyone else hasn't made it into the category, and if they think they have they are mistaken.  I have some pretty amazing friends out there, and would love nothing more then to trust a few.  Maybe I'm close but I find trust is a key to feeling absolutely free with someone & being able to say anything knowing they will not use that nor hurt you.  Trust is huge.  Everyone so far has broken the trust that once had potential to develop into a trustworthy status of a friend.

I was told countless of times that I should have been a therapist, because I can offer a good ear & advice.  I'm trustworthy. People tell me their secrets and I know how to keep them.  I put myself in the person's situation & can feel their pain.  I know how to listen & comfort tears of sadness.  I am sensitive yet strong.  Will I ever trust anyone else again?  I know who I am.  Do you?

You can trust me....... 



Gourdess said...

This made my heart ache! I have my own issues around trust and a situation early this year certainly pushed the buttons. I wanted to put up a wall. I did not want to be hurt or feel that way ever again. The warning signs were there. They had been for a long time. I refused to listen to my intuition and it was a hard lesson to swallow. One of the things I didn't want to do is close off my heart so I adopted this perspective. If I am to practice unconditional love, then I need to pull back far enough from the situation to see it from a spiritual vantage point. Not easy to do and I'm still working on it. It seems the louder someone speaks about themselves, the louder what they aren't saying screams. I hope that makes sense. (((hugs))) and I hope you have a Wonder-Filled holiday! Mwah!

Janette Dengo said...

T - you totally make sense. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. I wonder if people do, so I appreciate your comment. I'm sorry you are going through similar things. It's heart breaking actually. My holidays will hopefully be peaceful, as I don't want to surround myself with the people not on my trust list. Hugs baby!! thank you xoxox

The Goddess said...

Oh Janette, HUGS!! I can totally relate. And I want to tell you something... your father did NOT take your light away!! There is no way that can ever be taken away, it leaks out every pore of you!!!

I am so there with you on the trust thing. It is earned and I've learned that you have to watch people and the way they treat others and what they say about others because that is how they will treat you one day. It reminds me of that Bible verse "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Just listen to what they say as that is what is in their hearts. Do they speak poison and nasty things about others? Then they will speak this about you too some day. There is also another saying "When someone tells you who they are, listen."

I hope you find peace this holiday season. Enjoy your beautiful children and your wonderful husband. Happy Holidays!

Janette Dengo said...

I love you so much Mel --- your comment made me cry. Please move to Ontario at least. Have a wonderful Christmas too sweetie. xox