Betrayal is like a bullet. Bullet straight to your heart. It kills you instatly and if it doesn't, the scars of it will remind you of the gaping hole that once nearly made you bleed to death. Betrayal doesn't happen if you don't trust. I'm sticking to that.
I'm so sick of people telling me that I can trust them. Fresh new people in my life, who know nothing about me, cute fun bubbly folks who appear like they could become your new best friend.
Trust is so hard to give. I use to trust anyone and everyone. Not anymore. I was taught by my grandma that trust is something that has to be earned. Trust is not free. It comes at a price of your heart & soul being betrayed and hurts like nothing else when the trust is broken. I'm not just talking old lovers, boyfriends & fallen friendships. It's about stupid things that people do that breaks the trust & leaves you with no foundation to build upon.
I wish I could trust more. But the evidence is so clear I cannot. The words "trust me" are overused and abused. The world and people in it are full of "white" lies, dark secrets & gossip. It's sickening. They maintain relations with people who may have hurt you in the past, or know of people who stabbed you and it's nothing short of a conduit for disaster. Why make myself more vulnerable? Yes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, but what do you call a friend of my enemy?
Meet my grandma. My hero. My friend.
She taught me all I know about life and I honestly think I'm a lot like her. Passionate, loving, honest, gentle with humans yet to the core absolutely misunderstood by people because they have life issues higher then them. One thing I cannot do is trust people anymore. It takes a special person for me to trust.
People are scared of people who are nice, they judge them, they are cautious. They don't trust you but ask that you trust them. I think society has taken a piece of each human and turned it into a weapon. A mass self-destructive way of thinking, feeling and seeing. It has created channels for vanity & physicality with all surface facades. Us. People. Robots. We are so much more then the fleshy matter, underneath, fragile, vulnerable, bleeding, loving, crying, wanting nothing else then to be loved.
My care, compassion, integrity, love & loyalty I am capable of disbursing always comes at a price. They all have a residual dust of trust in it. People use that. I think my father broke me. He broke my heart. He broke my mind & soul. He took the twinkle out of my eyes. I like to think he didn't break my spirit though.
People are such takers & fakers. They take that initial spark that may interest them in you at first, learn whatever if anything from you & then you're disposable. So it seems. Maybe I'm harsh.... but it sure feels like that sometimes. People have stories to tell, blogs to write, poems to publish..... it never ends. As much as a person is honest and you think you may actually trust them because they are in fact one of the most honest people you've met, doesn't mean you can trust them. Honesty does not equal trust. You can be honest, but are you trustworthy?
I keep to myself. I trust no one. I am at times social but always cautious. My super tiny trust list consists of my heavenly angel grandma, my very much loved mother & my amazing husband. Everyone else hasn't made it into the category, and if they think they have they are mistaken. I have some pretty amazing friends out there, and would love nothing more then to trust a few. Maybe I'm close but I find trust is a key to feeling absolutely free with someone & being able to say anything knowing they will not use that nor hurt you. Trust is huge. Everyone so far has broken the trust that once had potential to develop into a trustworthy status of a friend.
I was told countless of times that I should have been a therapist, because I can offer a good ear & advice. I'm trustworthy. People tell me their secrets and I know how to keep them. I put myself in the person's situation & can feel their pain. I know how to listen & comfort tears of sadness. I am sensitive yet strong. Will I ever trust anyone else again? I know who I am. Do you?
You can trust me.......