The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabakov

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Tearing down the walls…

I found myself at the bottom of the deep dark oasis pit the other day when my eyes flooded with tears and my heart engorged with blood from the gashing wounds of the years’ endured pain, heartaches, broken friendship, betrayal from family, deaths, the dealings society seems to bombard us humans with and oh so much more.

There has to be a point in everyone’s life when we feel there isn’t possibly anything that can hurt us anymore as we build walls to guard our heart.  But there is.  Just when you may feel the slightest comfort on a way up from the bottomless pits of hell, reaching for the light that makes you feel light and peaceful, at ease fully believing that all will be well again as we cling to hope, something out of the darkness grabs you by the leg and pulls you right down again.  I’m so tired.  It’s an endless roller-coaster ride that I want so badly to get off. 

The society causes people to be vicious, manipulative, poisonous greedy little liars and I’m sick of it.  People think I’m strong all the time, I’m not.  I break like everyone else.  I’m not a superwoman.  I eat kryptonite for breakfast every day.

My life has been challenging, full of endured hardships of life’s experiences.  Is this what makes us blend with society on the other end’s spectrum?  I had an abusive father and watched him destroy my childhood as we bravely escaped my country at my pre-teens and landed in a foreign country refugee camp for 6 months.

Coming to Canada was a blessing but before I could count my blessings I had to learn English & take the punches of bullies calling me names & making fun of me.  Standing for myself became empowering, although scarring memories have remained.

At the end of my teenage years, gone through 2 failed relationships, a start to a spiritual awakening and a series of flooding memories and nightmares from my past at the same time nearly broke me.  “Why am I on Earth?” was my only question I wanted answered.

I pursued a college decision and followed through, not really knowing how and why I just kind of floated on a daily basis for the next two years nearly graduating with honours, while being stuck with a huge student loan and no job.

When I finally scored a decent job I met my now husband.  Life became a little happier.  Until the decision of moving in changed my life forever.

I got married couple of years later and remained with my husband loyal to his widowed father to take care of him.  The father, who in the end became one of my most important and kindest father figure for me passed away after nearly 13 wonderful years we all shared under the same roof.  Yeah, life was challenging at times but the lessons I’ve learned from this elderly man are invaluable.

In the end, after the care we provided for this wonderful man, ultimately altering our married life became turmoiled in an estate battle between my husband and his two elder siblings along with my own sibling who stabbed us with words one cannot fathom.  Why?  Because they don’t like me and because they are ashamed of not standing up to hold their own to be there for their father perhaps.  It astounds me what delusions people live by and to what levels they stoop to in order to make themselves feel better.   How powerful is society to influence humans?

Would I do it all over again with the same decisions, knowing the people who are in my life would betray me, stab me into my back while asleep, cause me so much grief that it chokes me on a daily basis while poison is spread across the multitude of those foul beings I am disprivileged calling my extended family.  Yes, absolutely.  Why?  Because I do believe greater lessons are meant to be learned for everyone involved. 

Perhaps for me as well as those foul beings I speak of – while I realized one important thing.  I’m nearly a conduit for the greater lessons that must be learned.  I myself am the path to the knowledge I seek through me and my strength, courage and endurance that I barely have left, I hang onto a slight beam of light that guides me to an inkling for just a sliver of the wonderful peace where all knowledge I seek is known and all pain I feel is healed.

I keep going.  I don’t know how – I just do.
My kids are so smart and beautiful and although still young they comfort me.  I thank them daily I’m here to see their faces, even though motherhood alone is so challenging & draining I do my best to be the best.  I know why I was born.

I continue to create my little creative pieces, sometimes I please a being who tells me they love my work and that my art has affected their life in a positive way, and that makes me smile and warms my heart.
At the end of the day my walls do come crashing down only for me to rebuild them every day all over again, to protect myself from the harm that could be coming my way.  I’m stuck in a circle of endless pain and foresight I cannot escape from those who betrayed me, my husband, my children and family. 

What makes it that much more unreal is that it is actually family who betrayed us.  I’m stuck in nightmares, awaking with nausea, feeling this cannot possibly be real.  Questioning why?  Can people actually have such animosity towards another human being, blinding them with such evil that they are capable of such horrid things?

I began to question the unquestionable.  It’s so not like me to question, yet I know with questions only answers will follow sooner or later.

What doesn’t break us only makes us stronger.  My belief in the higher power only grows higher.  My belief in the goodness, fairness and justice only grows deeper, while my soul grows on all levels possible.
So this morning for the first time in a long time – I’m tearing down the walls.  Peace~

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